Corner Archives 2003

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Table of Contents: 2003
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I’m a little leery of shopping malls at Christmastime. Why, you ask? Well, it’s not because of the crowds or the never being able to find a parking spot, or the overheated stores and unfriendly store staff. If you really must know why I am not a fan of the mall around the holidays, then I guess it’s finally time I share my story with everyone. Now, mind you, this story is frightening and may bother some of you. That’s just a warning.

My best friend Danae and I were at the Glendale Galleria shopping for Christmas gifts. We were 16 years old. We were having a grand old time, walking around, saying hi to the other mall rats, grabbing a snack, buying stupid stuff for our siblings, etc. We went to the “old” part of the mall and saw a crowd off in the distance. There was a huge Christmas tree in the middle of it all. We looked at each other and said with a smile, “Santa!”

Danae and I continued our route towards Miller’s Outpost, sharing our stories of pictures with Santa when we were children. We were oblivious to anyone around us. We were just having fun. We were just innocent teenagers perusing the mall, when out of nowhere, a mime – that’s right, a mime, all dressed in black and white, with a black beret and a white face, on a unicycle – grabbed my arm and waved his arm, directing me to go towards Santa. I was so startled I yanked my arm back and turned around to walk in the other direction. Already Danae was laughing so hard, so loud.

I put my head down, clutched my bags, and walked away. Danae followed. And so did the mime on his unicycle. He got ahead of me, stopped me in my tracks, smiled and nudged me with his elbow to turn around and go back to Santa. He made hand signals like he was taking a picture, then he rubbed his chin like he had a beard and mocked a silent chuckle, rubbing his belly like he was Santa.

I couldn’t even look at him. His white face was hiding the true person who couldn’t even speak – that was the gig. I never knew I hated mimes until that very moment (if only I had time to tell you the clown story that happened to me the next year!). I hated the makeup, I hated the silence. And I hated the tenacity of this particular mime. My skin crawls just going back to this moment. He started doing circles around me as soon as I tried to take a step forward to walk away. Danae was in hysterics. And the scene was drawing a crowd.

I became tense. I was trapped. The mime was snapping photos of me, and he was mocking Danae as she gripped her stomach trying to control her laughter. I was just about to begin crying when I made a run for it. With all my strength I juked the mime on his unicycle and got around him and made a run for the stairs. My best friend Danae ran after us, laughing so loud it was echoing throughout the old part of the mall. Blurs of mall shopper’s faces went by me, mouths dropped, looking fast at what was chasing me. I could feel the mime behind me all the way, until I made it to the stairs. I knew he couldn’t get up the stairs on his unicycle. I got to the top of the stairs to catch my breath, when lo and behold, there was the evil mime, balancing on one wheel in front of me, shaking his finger in shame at my escape – he had gone up the wheelchair ramp and cut me off.

At this point Danae was rolling on the mall floor, no sound coming out, tears falling down her cheeks with laughter. I didn’t know what to do. This wasn’t funny! I screamed at the psycho mime, “LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FREAK!” I felt so alone and so threatened that I sat down on the floor and began to cry. Danae laughed even harder. The mime touched my shoulder and I hit his hand and yelled again, “TOUCH ME AGAIN AND I’M CALLING THE COPS YOU PSYCHO!” Danae, again, laughed even harder. She had lost control.

The mime, in his charade-like way, put his tail between his legs and rode himself back down the wheelchair ramp, pretending to cry. Danae wiped the tears from her eyes, and then wiped the tears from mine. She picked me up, carried my bags, and led me back to the safe area of the mall. She’d hiccup every once in a while with a giggle, but we left in silence back to her car. It took all her strength, I’m sure, just to drive us home.

Now, I don’t get it, folks – why is it every time I tell this story people laugh? Are you laughing? Can you believe that a simple, silent mime can be the culprit of all my nightmares? Believe it!

The moral of this story: beware of mimes on unicycles trying to wrangle you to take pictures with Santa. And another thing I learned after this trip: online shopping is the best!

A friend of mine recently said she was flying to her mother’s in Baltimore for Thanksgiving this year. She does this every other year. She also said how stressed out she was that her mother had given up on cooking in the last few years, and how Thanksgiving wouldn’t be the same this year because she was worried her mother would ruin the meal. She told me she’d probably end up taking over all the cooking, hovering over her mother’s every move in the kitchen. She figured it would be best that way anyway.

That didn’t sound like much fun to me, so I asked my girlfriend why she felt she had to be in charge of the meal. She told me she was looking forward to going “back home” and experiencing her traditional Thanksgiving. She had heard her mother was looking into new recipes, possibly adding lemons to the stuffing, for example, so she had to put a stop to the madness. She was truly stressed out and starting planning the menu, and she’s been calling her mother daily to make sure she’s got all the fixings from the store. I overheard her on the phone with her mom the other night: “Are you getting stuff for green bean casserole? No, mom! We have to have green bean casserole! Yes! So don’t forget the Durkee onions. Yes. What do you mean we won’t be having yams, then? Yes, mom, I’ll make sure we find room in the oven for the yams! Mom!!!”

Again, not sounding like much fun. And my friend, as much as she said she was looking forward to having the “traditional” meal she grew up with, was actually dreading her trip knowing she’d be cooking the entire meal. I immediately thought: This is a time for Captain Let-It-Go! That’s right, folks, it’s Captain Let-It-Go to the rescue! As I have been saved by Captain L.I.G. many a time, I thought it best to put out the spotlight for him to come and save my good friend from a terrible holiday weekend.

Captain Let-It-Go showed up just after my friend hung up with her mother – the fifth phone call in one day. With ease and grace, the Ole Cap asked my friend in simple terms: “What would you be more thankful for, a day off after flying across the country for time to spend with friends and family you see once a year, or a day of cooking and slaving in the kitchen just to taste the flavors of food that last about 15 minutes?”

My friend stood baffled; first by the notion that Captain Let-It-Go existed, and then by his common sense no-nonsense approach to her dilemma. Immediately my friend threw the Tylenol she was about to take out of the window and rejoiced! “Captain L.I.G. is right! Why should I care about the meal? I should relax! I should spend time with my sister and her kids! I should be watching football! So what if there are lemons in the stuffing and walnuts in the mashed potatoes! It’s not about the meal, it’s about the time together! Yes! YES! I will be thankful this year for being able to spend time with my family, not eat a meal with them!”

The moral of the story, my friends: remember that Thanksgiving is about being THANKFUL! Try to let go of your expectations, and make the best of your situation. Be thankful for what you are given on this special day. Whether you’re alone, or with a huge family in the midst of conflict, there will always be something you can find to be thankful for. I promise! You don’t have to eat everything you’re served at the table. And that goes for every situation!

Payson Road is excited to welcome back Jodi Beuder, Editor for the Corner and the Weekly Catch. For those of you who did not see the pictures of Brody on the news page...Jodi has been on maternity leave since giving birth to her beautiful baby boy Brody. We are so happy to have her back. Welcome back Jodi!

Ahh, Thanksgiving dinner. So perfectly timed, so hot and ready and beautiful on the decadently set table. We do it every year. Somehow we are able to prepare a huge meal for many people, and it’s all done at the exact time. First, we shop. We brave the crowds and the weather and the lines and we get everything we need in one fell swoop at the store. We probably made our list days before, to make sure we wouldn’t forget anything. During the week before the last Thursday in November, we most likely pre-made pies and side dishes. The morning of Thanksgiving we wake up early and get ourselves ready and hop in the kitchen to prep and stuff the bird and get it into the oven. We iron the linens and wash the china and set the table. We boil potatoes, make casseroles, bake the pies, and smile at the smells that fill our homes. Mealtime comes, and all is ready. The dishes are laid out steaming on the table and joy fills the room as one more Thanksgiving dinner has successfully continued in the tradition you and your family expect.

If only my life could be like a Thanksgiving dinner… So planned, so well-timed… Right now my life is more like the drive-through at McDonald’s. Who cares what the meal is as long as it’s quick and hot and cheap. I just got my baby down for a nap, got the dishwasher going, got a load of laundry in, got the dogs fed, and whew! I’m down on the couch with my laptop, next to the baby, writing this article. How did life get like this? I work full time, am a new mom, a wife, and somehow still trying to keep my “real” career going in my free time. Free time?! Sure, it could happen.

Since having a baby everything has changed. Time has escaped out the doggy door after my hungry dogs looking for scraps to eat since I forgot to feed them on time this morning. Somehow it all gets done, and I’m not stressed about it, really. It’s sort of like diving after a falling vase. You hold your breath and sacrifice your body to make sure it doesn’t hit the ground. When you make the catch you breathe, stand up, and put the vase back in its place. And you move on.

I think many of us, mothers or not, feel like there’s never enough time. Not enough time to do all we want, all we dream of. We have full time jobs, families, responsibilities. Where is the time for our hobbies, our passions, ourselves? We even complain about it. But when Thanksgiving comes and it’s our turn to cook, how organized do we get? How fantastic do our skills become to balance time to get that wonderful meal out on the table? We become super-people! We become focused and handy and can balance two pies on one arm and a bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy on the other. We can pour sparkling apple cider with one hand while we’re passing green bean casserole with the other. It’s all a matter of planning and skill.

And we can do this with our lives, too, I’m convinced. Sure, maybe the water will boil over and the rolls will burn, but there is still plenty to eat and more in the cupboard. We could even take another trip to the store, right? If we handled life the same way we handle such a day each year, every year, we’d be pros, and time would be there waiting for us!

I could make lists, and I could schedule out the timing of the way my days should go. I could give that a try. Is that what most moms out there do? I’m not sure. But millions of moms with more than one child get it done. Millions of people with multiple responsibilities get it done. They do it! I know I can, too. I’ll figure it out. It’s a process, a phase, and I grow more confident each day, just like I grew more confident each time I cooked Thanksgiving dinner. And I can say with the most confidence right now, how thankful I am I’m not cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year.

Obsessive, Anyone?
by Leslie Freeman

I drove by my dream house last week and saw a for rent sign and it was then that I decided I can't live another day in my current home. Of course, it was it was a Friday after 5pm, so I had to just stew about it all weekend. Rentals go fast in my town, and I just didn't want to pass this up. First thing Monday morning I called the property management company and put my application. I will admit it, my credit isn't great, but I have excellent renter's history and nothing outstanding at this point--so I was very upfront with her and she said it shouldn't be a problem. We chatted it up a bit and seemed to hit it off, and she told me I should hear by Thursday. That was over a week ago and so began my slip into the obsessive hell that has been my life this week.

Now, I am not sure if it is my credit, or just that these people move slow, but I have gone up and down the spectrum of emotions so many times, that I am driving myself nuts, not to mention all of my friends. This is taking forever. And as obsessive as I am being, I am gonna break it down for you all in a trusty timeline(as if you really care).

Friday--Saw the house of my dreams

Sat-Sun--Obsessed about the house of my dreams. Viewed it from all windows(and there are lots of them). Mapped out where my furniture will go. Oh yeah, and I cleaned out my closet and made a trip to Good Will, to make sure I have lots of room in my new home.

Monday--The infamous application--turned it in. I should know by Thursday at the latest, and actually she may see the owner today, so she might know something today--so said the property manager.

Monday afternoon--"Hi, it's Leslie, just checking in to see what he said about the house when you saw him." "Actually, I didn't see him today, I forgot it was a holiday. Maybe tomorrow"

Tuesday--I called her to check in, nothing yet. I asked her if my credit was going to keep me from getting in and she said no, it should be ok, and she has a good feeling about me. So far, no one else has wanted to see the 2 bedroom. Score for me! I stop by the house and look in the windows again. Oh yeah, and my friends are only mildly annoyed at this point.

Wednesday--She calls me to see if I want to meet her at the house tonight to walk through it. Did I mention that I was in love with this house based on what I saw from the windows? (yes, its that great of a house!). But no, I already have unbreakable plans, so it will have wait. Meanwhile we talk again about my credit, and I am still the top contender. She has one couple interested, but the lady has already annoyed her, so it's not looking good for them. Score another one for me!

Thursday--We speak again, she actually hasn't even turned in my application, she won't be turning them in until tomorrow--WHAT? She still needs me to turn in my check stubs. Check! I get them to her ASAP, and she lets me know that at this point, I am the only one who has completed the application--HELLO? What the hell is taking so long then? She tells me we probably won't hear anything until Monday. I let her know I won't bug her then, and to have a good weekend.

Friday-Sun--I bug my friends instead! It is amazing to me that I haven't been shot by at least one of them. I spend the weekend stopping by the house--10 times at least--the neighbors probably think I already moved in. That or else I am a prowler. I did try to take my mind off it by helping a friend move(which only made it harder) and in the process gave away my microwave and washer and dryer--predicated of course on my getting my dream house.

Monday--I call her right around noon, and of course she hasn't heard anything, but if not by 4 pm today, then for sure first thing tomorrow. I can't take much more of this--and frankly neither can most of my friends. One of them brings me a newspaper and tells me to look at something else too, just in case. "So you think I am not getting it, huh--maybe not, did I tell you that my credit isn't great?" AGGGG! she screams running from the room! I do look at the paper and make a call on a 1bd condo across town. Amazingly the owner says I can come right over and check it out. Of course I do, and it's very cute. Not my first choice, but definitely a high second. I tell him I am pretty sure I want it, but can I let him know tomorrow? He says that's great and I can have it, if I want it. Yay! I have a backup, I don't have to stay in my house! Woohoo! (but I still really want my dream house, you know that right? Yeah, so do all my friends!)

Tuesday--Today is D-Day(or T-day) and I just know she will call. By noon I call and get this. No, no, get ready for this---she is out sick today!!! Is this the story of my life or what? I swear, I am not going to need my house, I am going to need a flippin' loony bin by the time this is done.

So that brings us up to date. I am not sure what I am going to do about stalling my second choice, but as you can see I have fallen far into some compulsive/obsessive behaviors very reminiscent of my worst days before recovery. And here's the thing, the point of all points, the reason for this whole damn story--

Before my recovery my life looked like this everyday. Everything was very drama, and I was always going from crisis to crisis, with this frantic, "I must....whatever" attitude and it was just normal. Today is nothing compared to my old, everyday life, and I am driving myself absolutely nuts! So thank god for recovery, because even if I am still crazy, I am nowhere near my old craziness!

Sarah Mason's article, If Man Had Wings was originally written, August 2000 and published in Boston Magazine but was recently updated and published on Boston.com, the Boston's Globes online magazine. Here is the updated version.

If Man Had Wings
by Sarah Mason

If we had wings, we wouldn't have to stand in line at airport security for four hours and be strip searched by large short women with aggressive metal detectors and a curious infatuation of our shoes. If we had wings, we could rise above it -- literally. Our sights would be limitless. No city unreachable, no airport tax applicable. Think of the time we would save. And that is the whole point these days isn't it - to save time?

Of course we'd have to create an elaborate air traffic control system that would require billions of dollars in spending and hours of political ass kissing, rubbing, finagling and maneuvering. But wouldn't it be worth it? Don't we all want to fly?

Admittedly, I'm not a good flier. Even before September 11th it would take at least three marguerites to get me strapped down in my 2X2 inch coach classic easy chair. The new airport security has proved little comfort, total headache. So it got me thinking--God gave bird wings, why not man?

I've decided to hold man in judgment for his missing appendage. We will embark on a trial, a petition presenting the facts and determining a resolution. Here is my version of the hearing of man's petition to God for wings.

God appears at the Gates of Heaven and grants temporary entrance to two mortals, Donald Rumsfeld representing man and the Dalai Lama representing nature.

Rumsfeld's entourage is stopped at the gate and forced to wait in purgatory alongside Richard Gere who is accompanying the Dalai Lama.

God appears to the court of heaven in a form that the two mortals can accept, Elmer Fudd.

The court cloud is filled with angels who look like mortal men and women with the exception of the high angels who cannot be viewed by mortals. They must appear, as forms man will accept. They are, Sylvester as the Bailiff, Foghorn Leghorn as the court guard, Tweety Bird as the court reporter, Bugs Bunny as every member of the jury except for Michael Jordan as the Foreman.

Bailiff

All rise for the honorable God.

Case number 000-000-000-1, Man vs. the Law of Nature

Donald Rumsfeld representing man. The Dalai Lama representing Nature.

GOD

Mr. Rumsfeld, do you have an opening statement?

RUMSFELD

Yes I do God.

Rumsfeld rises to address the court. He walks over to the Bugs jury and gives them a nod. Then quickly asks Jordan for his autograph before proceeding to address God.

With all do respect God; you put man on this earth. Yet you restricted his potential by refusing him the ability to fly. I stand before you, a wingless being pleading the legitimacy of man's right to bear wings - a right that all men should and must have, a right that you yourself have the power to grant.

Let's look at the facts, birds fly but what can they really do with that gift? Not much. Gather a few bugs, worms maybe, some crumbs off the street. But do they add to the economy? Do they better the world God? I don't think so. And how do we know these birds aren't part of a terrorist plot by the likes of Saddam Hussein or Osama Bin Laden? We can not be too cautious when it comes to the safety of the American people. I've told the President on more than one occasion, we've gotta get these birds. Look into their eyes! You can see their murderous intentions behind those fake feathers.   How hard do you think it would be to stash a weapon of mass destruction under their wings?

RUMSFELD

Oh, yes, sorry, your God. I'm a very passionate man.

GOD

I'm flattered. Move on.

RUMSFELD

Yes, your God.

What we're asking is simple. Give man wings, on a trial basis. One man/woman will be elected recipient.

Reading from a sheet of paper

Some nominees for the job suggested are, Arnold Swarzenegger, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf, Venus and/or Serena Williams, the five guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. If nothing else, they might be able to redecorate the sky. Oh and George Steinbrenner is very eager to go. But that's been a hot debate. We're thinking about Rush Limbaugh for a test dummy. He blows so much hot air we figured he had special connections with wind conditions. Michael Jackson begged us to let him go but we were afraid he might fly around from house to house convincing 10 year-olds he's Peter Pan.

The trial period will last for an estimated six months of earth time. At which time, you can determine whether or not we've proven our worthiness to receive wings. If you feel we're up to the task, the wings will be distributed to the U.S. military, some other nation's military personnel (tba) and by lottery to those existing humans without wings. Some countries will be excluded--to be determined by the U.N. as the U.S. never does anything on its own accord. Newborns will automatically get wings, with some exceptions (tba).

We anticipate after the initial nominated humans test out their wings we will need to set up training facilities. So, we've set up a preliminary international "boot-camp". The U.S. was hoping to repair its recently damaged ties to France by including French volunteers in the training program. But when we put Swarzenegger in charge of their training, they thought his accent was German and surrendered.

The terms are negotiable, however we would like you to consider our input on which human will receive the trial pair of wings.

Thank you.

GOD

Dalai Lama, please proceed.

The Dalai Lama slowly rises and walks to the center of the court cloud. He takes from his robe some white feathers. Placing them in his hand he let's them fly into the atmosphere of heaven. They float upward into a funnel shape then disperse amongst the crowd.

LAMA

Man cannot accept the gift of wings until his soul becomes one with peace. Feathers are gentle and fragile. Man is fragile but not gentile.

He nods his head and returns to his seat.

God/Elmer shakes his head, and then addresses Rumsfeld.

GOD

Frankly Rumsfeld I think you’re an ass. I can't believe I had anything to do with you. One of those little mysteries of heaven I guess. This whole argument is crass, insubordinate and stupid. Man has trouble reaching his potential to raise a smile on his face let alone a pair of wings. Are you kidding me? Grant man flight??? So he can do what? Cause pain and destruction in the skies by faster and multiple methods? No way. My reasons for "denying" man wings have been proven over and over again throughout man's history. And what a pompous little twerp are you to assume the position of presumption with me.   Man's potential is not measured by his appendage or lack of. It's measured by the purity of his soul that has yet to be exhibited.

Rumsfeld abruptly stands up.

RUMSFELD

Your God, this is outrageous!!!

GOD

Back off Rumsfeld or I'll lock you in a room with Hillary Clinton, Arianna Huffington and Gloria Alred for eternity.

Rumsfeld shrieks and immediately turns pale. He sits down defeated.

DALAI LAMA

Thank you God.

GOD

Hold on there Lama. Am I even your God? What are you doing here? I'm moved by your convictions, courage and spirituality. But man you are weird! Enlightenment doesn't have to mean, lose all sense of reality. Don't you have a book deal? Get yourself a new tailor my friend.

Man's petition for wings denied.   And one more thing Rumsfeld.

GOD

You slap a set a wings on Steinbrenner and he'll be heading down south faster than you can say Beelzebub.

Slams gavel on desk

end scene

And there it is. If we had only hired Johnny Cochran.

August 18, 2003

Business
lyrics by Sarah Mason

The situation is so unbelievable in California, all I have to say is this....

Intro:

Jodi:
Sarah, sounds like an S.O.S.

Sarah:
Holy wack unreal reality Jodi, you're so right!

Jodi:
To the tell-it-like-it-is mobile, let's go!

Sarah:
Ladies and Gentleman!
It's showtime!
Hurry, hurry step right up!
Introducing the star of our show, her name is...

Background Singers:
Cali

Sarah:
You wouldn't wanna be anywhere else in the world right now
So without further adieu, I bring to you...

Background Singers:
Cali

Verse #1:
You’re bout to witness culture in
its most sour, darkest hour, rotting flower,
Most shameful, almost painful, who to blame for
This shock stock flock of geese is whack!

Looks like Arnold’s got his own wallet
Oh no, California’s still down the toilet
With its smoke-free bars, feng shui stars
Who can’t see past all the smog, phat SUV cars
Dweezils, weasels, botoxing rich bums
Hey dude, narly, ain’t this fun?
The porn kings scatter when you throw out your crumbs
Politics are in a state of 9-1-1

So...

Chorus 2x:
Let's get down to business
I don't got no time to play around what is this?
Must be a circus in town, let's shut the sh*t down
On these clowns, can I get a witness?

Jodi:
Hell Yeah

Verse #2:
Gotta move fast, gotta perform miracles
These fools can’t understand large syllables
Look at all the shakin that goes down
In LA time to take the zoo back from these pack animals

So, sit in your Hummers while we do what we do best
Fillin carts with jars of teeth whitening crest
For those who see not and those who look best
Sh*t nobody can pass the California drivers test

The most pathetic of those crimes put out for dimes we don't doubt em
trading books for boobs and
spilling rhymes for time it ain’t right
we make it all up
There's no such thing
Like Bush whose bombs don’t uncover a thing
It just means so much more for perpetrating a war
To tell the people when your rappin what the hell it’s all for

But the show will go on, so I’d like to introduce yawl to
the California Carnival
C'mon, now!

Chorus 2x:
Let's get down to business
I don't got no time to play around what is this?
Must be a circus in town, let's shut the sh*t down
On these clowns, can I get a witness?

Jodi:
Hell Yeah

Verse #3:
It's just our low IQ, too much Zen
Simon said it, why regret it?
You already know we’re shakable, the quake capitol
Keeping our mind on our time we're so temporal

You can even park valet, every single day
Don’t worry bout the elements cause it ain’t gonna rain
Those steely knives don’t kill the beast cause it don’t feel no shame
No girl in the doorway cause you ain't got the bling

We get to see the rats just being oh so pleasing,
Fighting for rights, Californians come for the cheese thing
Hell! Back east I was so damn freezin
At least I was safer from all the wheezin
Walk on these streets no one’s out there to see me
What we need is NYC and D.C.’s T
But who’s gonna agree to give up their keys, dawg fo sheezy
Can’t ignore it for long, this ain’t no freebie

So we throw dice, get weird and end up throwing Arnie some cheers
Nothing but clowns down here
I’m not sticking around down here

Yo Jo!

Jodi:
Whuddup?

Sarah:
Can I get a hell yeah?

Jodi:
Hell Yeah

Chorus 2x:
Let's get down to business
I don't got no time to play around what is this?
Must be a circus in town, let's shut the sh*t down
On these clowns, can I get a witness?

Outro:

Sarah:
So there you have it folks

Background Singers:
Cali!

Sarah:
The Terminator has come to save the day
Tucking his steroids away,
Reminding us of what the Eagle's might say

Background Singers:
Cali!

Eminem:
You can check out anytime you like....but you're here to stay and never go away
Until your dying day, until your old and gray

Background Singers:
Cali!

Jodi:
So until next time friends
Same blonde hair, same crap channel
Goodnight everyone, thank you for coming
Your host for the evening

Background Singers:
Cali!

Sarah:
whooyah.

As the economy goes through it's inevitable stages of ups and downs, there's one industry that seems to get rich when many of us our losing our shirts--Insurance. You gotta have insurance! Health, car, life, business liability, medical malpractice, earthquake, fire, theft...it's endless. We live in a world where insurance companies control pretty much everything. They are the new mafia for the 21st century. Think about it. You can't live without them. One way or another, you need their protection to survive. They extort money from you then when you go to collect on their promises they tell you it's gonna cost more. But....if you don't pay, you'll end up with a couple a broken legs.

Have you ever read the fine print on your policy? Not many people do. The insurance mob counts on it. No they bank on it. You get this enormous packet with endless leaflets and illegible scribble. Stuff you just don't have time to read. So you throw it in a drawer. Until.....someone walks into your office and buys $10,000 worth of equipment with a forged cashier's check.

Yes, this happened to me recently. We were conned - but good. Everything checked out, the cashier's check, the client. There was literally nothing we could have done to protect ourselves. Luckily, we have business liability insurance. So, I pulled out our policy, written in Greek. Somewhere amidst a lot of crap that I couldn't understand, I discovered we are covered for forgery. So, I got on the phone and called our agent - this was a task in itself. We don't actually know who our agent is. Apparently we do have one. However, I've never spoken to them nor did I know they existed until I had to file a claim. The person who signed us up, so eager in the beginning, has since disappeared. The woman who is now handling our account wanted little to do with us. Here's a sample of our conversation:

SARAH
Who does?

AGENT
Well, I'd have to check.

SARAH
Well, could you at least verify some information for me regarding what's covered in our policy?

AGENT
Oh, it would take me hours to find that out.

SARAH
Then who do we speak to about this?

AGENT
Best thing to do is write a letter to the company and see whether or not they'll cover it. But I don't know if they will.

SARAH
Can't you just tell me if this is covered on our policy? What if it is covered?

AGENT
Even if I had time, it doesn't mean they'll cover it.

SARAH
What do you mean? If it says it's included in our policy, why wouldn't it be covered?

AGENT
It doesn't work that way. Some stuff is covered and some stuff isn't. It all depends on the underwriter.

Okay, I KID YOU NOT. This was an actual, word for word conversation with our insurance agent. I wish I could say that I'm exaggerating for comedic purposes. Sadly, I'm not.

In addition to the crap with this claim, I recently found out that this company over billed us approximately $1500. One of our checks was not listed on our statement. When I called to get a copy of all of our bills for 2002, I was told, they didn't have the capability to do that.

That sounds like extortion to me! Actually, it sounds more like outright theft. I have dozens of other examples of double billing, overcharging. If I didn't go through all of our invoices and statements, we'd go bankrupt. Every month I have to call to have our bill adjusted. Not just with our business liability policy, our group health policy.

Gotta have health insurance! We're over billed so much on that policy it's almost impossible to keep track. Doesn't it seem like you pay a ton of money every month for health insurance, but when it comes down to it, you get jack shit in return? Every time you go to the doctor, get an xray, lab work, stay at the hospital, you still get this huge bill!

No one at any insurance company is capable of fully explaining the charges and reasons why something isn't covered. It often appears as if it's completely at their discretion as to whether or not they will pay for something. But they love to point out the fact that if you didn't have the insurance, it would be cost far more money. You know what I think? If we didn't have the insurance, we wouldn't have any problems.

Think about it. Insurance companies are nothing but bookies. They're the middlemen. Take them out of the equation, would the cost of medical bills be as high as they are? I mean, which came first, the bill or the egg...so to speak.

Perhaps I'm being too much of an anarchist. However, I truly believe that medical costs would be no where near what they are without the insurance company in the middle of it all.

Car insurance - gotta have that! I just recently got in an accident. Someone hit me and ran. It's been a great couple weeks for me boy! Subsequently, I've been on the phone with my car insurance company in addition to dealing with business liability policy.

The accident happened two weeks ago. I reported it immediately to the police and filed a claim. As of yet, nothing has happened with my car. No insurance agent has come or called to check it out. I haven't even been able to bring it to the body shop. It's drivable, but not incredibly safe and there's a lot of damage. When I call the insurance company questioning them about when things will start moving with this claim, they simply say, we're unable to give you a concrete answer on that. That's of course if they return my calls.

Honestly, I'd prefer to pay Nicky No Nose or Vinny Boom Bats some protection money. They may up the price, but they sure would fulfill the promise. And that's the big difference between the mafia and insurance companies - integrity. No, no. It's true. The mob, at least the Italian mob, has more integrity then insurance companies. They say what they mean, and do what they say. Insurance companies make promises they never intend on keeping. They tell you so many lies to get you to sign up, then disappear. You're tossed into the harvest fields along with thousands of other humans hooked up and fed intravenously by the machines. The very same Keanu Reeves escaped from in THE MATRIX. But in our "real world" no one's coming to save us.

Is there anything we can do about it? I don't know. There's got to be a rebellion. One last gasp of human spirit before we're all completely consumed by the giant corporate machine.

If I were an artist, I'd draw a picture of the vision that comes to mind when I think of insurance companies - a giant, hairy, green monster with six arms and sharp fangs that drools. It's the monster of my nightmares. But this one's in my reality.

Don't let insurance companies take advantage of you. Know your rights. Read the fine print. We have to be overly cautious and incredibly thorough when choosing a plan and a company. Be choosy, be demanding. It's our right. We're the customer! It's like my mother used to tell me about doctors. No matter how powerful they may appear - we pay them. We have the real power. We just need to keep reminding ourselves.

Last week in Santa Monica, California an elderly man, drove his car through a crowded Farmer's marketplace killing 10 people and injury 50. 86 year old Russell Weller, claimed to have confused the accelerator for the break after his air bag deployed. The investigation into this horrifying incident continues. It has sparked a nationwide debate about elderly drivers and whether more frequent driving tests should be implemented for elderly drivers.

I am sickened by what happened last week in Santa Monica, by the accident that was caused by an elderly man killing 10 people and injuring 50. I am sad, troubled and horrified.

I am sad because 10 people died. I am sad for their friends and families and I am sad for the huge loss. I am sad that these people who were affected by this accident started their day with sunshine and innocence and ended up in tragedy.

I am troubled by the elderly man’s situation. In my opinion, he should never have gotten behind the wheel. Even before reports have come out about his past driving mishaps, and before anyone said anything at all, I immediately questioned how anyone could let this man drive alone, or at all! I am troubled that so far this man has not been charged with any wrongdoing. I am troubled with current driver laws.

I am horrified that this kind of thing could ever happen, let alone that it could happen to anyone of us at any time. Sure, there are drunk drivers and road ragers and cell phone talkers and so on. Being in your car on a daily basis is one of the most dangerous things for you to be doing. But I am horrified that you can’t even walk on a sidewalk now without wondering when the next person who shouldn’t be behind the wheel accidentally steps on the gas instead of the brakes. This horrifies me to no end.

I read yesterday the comments the man released through his pastor. He said he feels extreme sorrow and grief for the loss. Perhaps he is sad, that he is punishing himself enough… Or perhaps the police should charge this man with reckless driving, endangering the lives of hundreds of people, and even manslaughter. I have to wonder – what if this accident were caused by a teenage boy? Or even a middle-aged man? I am sure the kid or the man would be fully charged. So why is it that the elderly man walks away with no charges against him? I have to believe this becomes a political and societal situation.

For one, elderly people vote. If this man gets charged because he made a mistake, other elderly people will back him and take their votes away from the “man” who charged him. If the local or even state government steps in and decides to take more driving rights away from the elderly, again, it’s highly likely their votes will be headed towards the other “man” who is against such decisions. No one wants votes and support to be taken away from them, so why not protect their voters by choosing to believe a mistake will only happen once, and that everyone will learn from one man’s slip of the foot?

Secondly, society has been trained to feel sorrow for the elderly. I feel for the elderly all the time. I care for the elderly and I used to volunteer at an adult day care center. I used to be a “nanny” for a 70-year-old with Alzheimer’s. Believe me, I do have a huge heart for humanity, and I do not discriminate against age. But while discussing this accident with different folks, I heard the same thing: they first said they felt sorry for him! Unfortunately, I do not think any sort of leniency should be handed his way. He made a huge mistake and killed 10 people and put many others in the hospital. He was behind the wheel of a moving weapon and he should never have been allowed behind the wheel. Who I do feel sorry for are the victims and their families. Sure, this man has lived a long life. And I don’t doubt he’s contributed to society in some way. But the decisions behind his actions are reprehensible and should not go without punishment.

Let’s put our focus on who could be responsible, besides this man… The DMV? How about a law that says people over a certain age, regardless of their records, have to take a driving test every year in order to renew their licenses? How about society? Why don’t we raise money to purchase vans and have an elderly shuttle that takes people to the store and the doctor and the salon? I would much rather take this upon myself and try to make something happen than cross my fingers that another elderly person won’t go crashing through a school yard or farmer’s market again.

I know this is a sensitive subject. And I’m not trying to discriminate. I’m trying to keep perspective on this situation. It goes global and it hits everyone’s homes and hearts. But something has to be done – and CAN be done – to prevent a tragedy like this from happening again.

Growing up, there weren't a lot of actresses that really inspired me. My Dad took me to see a lot of old movies when I was a kid. I found myself falling for heroes and heroines of yesteryear, Ingrid Bergman, Grace Kelly, Cary Grant, Humphrey Bogart, they were all great. But even amongst the old movies stars, I didn't find an actress that I clicked with, in terms of a role model. That is, until I saw a film called ADAM'S RIB with a fiery red head who took nobody's crap and said it like it was - Katharine Hepburn.

It was love at first site, so to speak. Katharine Hepburn was my hero - for so many reasons. She was talented and beautiful. She had intelligence and grace. But I think the reason I admired her most was because she was free. She spoke her mind without fear of anything. To me, she was the ultimate role model for women.

When I heard the sad news of her death, on June 29, I cried. I don't know why I was so upset. She was 96 years old and had lived a full, rich life. Nevertheless, I cried as if she was a family member. I guess in a way she was. I had pictures of her on my walls in my teenage bedroom. I saw all of her movies. She was the first woman on screen I felt I could relate to and the first one I truly aspired to be like.

Watch any one of Katharine Hepburn's movies for five minutes and you'll see the light. She made it possible to be feminine, sexual, intelligent, tenacious, graceful, ambitious, vulnerable and beautiful all at the same time.

Born on May 12, 1907, to a doctor and a suffragette, Hepburn was encouraged to speak her mind, develop it fully, and exercise her body to its full potential. Which she did. Refusing to play Hollywood's game of false glamour, she wore what she wanted to wear, she said what she wanted to say. She had moxie. Ain't nobody gonna tell Kate Hepburn how to live, be, what to do, eat or say.

Today, actresses live in fear of all of those things. Fear that the powers that be, which in Hollywood these days is the Publicist, will take it all away. An actress today is only as good as her latest Vanity Fair cover. They are catapulted into the spotlight and beloved for their ability to lose weight quickly and efficiently. Not for being outspoken or marching to the beat of their own drummer. Katharine Hepburn was a rebel. Although, I dare say she saw herself as one. She just was who she was. And at the end of the day, she remains one of the most decorated actresses of all time--12 Oscar nominations and 4 wins, the latter still a record for an actress. She made over 50 films, numerous television movies and appearances, she lit the lights of Broadway, and did all these things well into her 90s. She's regarded as the Queen of all cinema actresses.

Who amongst today's actresses comes close to exhibiting Hepburn's talent and integrity? I do admire and respect Meryl Streep tremendously. She's certainly as talented. But who amongst the highly decorated Hollywood A list actresses could step into Hepburn's considerable shoes? The A listers today are beautiful, some are intelligent but few are as talented and fewer are as outspoken as Hepburn was.

Here's a bone I have to pick in regards to that. Julia Robert's recent cover for Redbook, caused a bit of a stir. Redbook's editors chose to use another woman's body in place of Robert's, a thinner body attached to her face. Well, first of all, let me say, if Julia Roberts isn't thin enough, then we're all screwed. There's the ultimate statement right there. If the crème de la crème of Hollywood actresses isn't good enough, then how could any of us mere mortals every be?

In a strange way this is good because it exposes the absurdity of it all. According to Hollywood and the media, no woman will every be good enough--even a Hollywood superstar. So why should any of us try to emulate them? We shouldn't. We should take a lesson from Katharine the Great and be comfortable with ourselves. There's no way she would have stood for this crap.

Which is exactly what irks me the most about this whole thing with Redbook. Why didn't Julia Roberts do more? Why didn't she demand they republish the issue? Why didn't she boycott the magazine, go on talk shows and speak out in outrage? I bet you Kate Hepburn would have done all that and more. Here it is! Julia's golden opportunity to use her considerable power to induce change. She makes $20 million a film and is one of the most powerful people, let alone women, in Hollywood. She has far more power than Kate Hepburn did in her day. So come on Julia, you can do better than this!

Sadly, Julia Roberts is caught up in that big Hollywood machine that takes them in and spits them out as a Rolls Royce, fearing that one day they'll spit her out as a Pinto. Which is what keeps many of them quiet. Katharine Hepburn was never quiet. She fought for her right to be herself. She's still Katie from the block. Even if her block, in Hartford, CT was a bit fancier than JLo's in the Bronx....it's in the who, not the where, what or why.

Katharine Hepburn was nobody's stereotype. She made me believe it was okay to be myself. For this reason and more, I mourn the loss of Katharine Hepburn. I mourn the loss of my childhood hero, and the loss of a formidable role model for women. I can name some female athletes and some politicians, activists, and authors, but there is no actress able to step up and inherit her crown. And that just plain sucks.

I hope there will be another queen someday. For now, I'll just be grateful for film preservation.

"Everyone thought I was bold and fearless, and even arrogant... but inwardly I was always quaking... I've never cared about how afraid I may have been inside--I've always done what I thought I should." - Katharine Hepburn

I’m going on vacation for ten days and we’re leaving on Friday. I can’t wait. I’m at this point in my job where all I want to do is get it over with every day. And it’s not because of what I do. Normally I really enjoy the challenges of being a marketing manager. It’s the people. I can’t believe how cold and dry people are these days. I’ve noticed that more than ever since I started my job here. Here’s an example:

I’m six and a half months pregnant. It’s my first child and I couldn't be more excited. I told my workplace in late February. That means they’ve known for almost four months. How many times has my female boss asked me about my pregnancy; how I’m feeling, anything? Try once. Not that it needs to be discussed every day, but I’ve got a belly now – it’s hard to miss. She never brings it up. I don’t care what her issues might be, that's cold.