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Surviving the Holidays - November/December 2002 Welcome to Payson
Road's annual Surviving the Holidays feature on the
Corner and the Weekly
Catch. Throughout the next month, up until the New Year,
we'll be coming at you with some supportive, helpful and fun ways
to change your experience by turning stress into growth and
finding a new beginning for yourself. Christmas
Traditions Every
year I tell myself I can’t get into the Christmas spirit unless
I experience the same traditions I have since I was a kid.
I started to think I was becoming obsessed.
This year I found myself searching online for CDs of the
music I used to have to listen to as a kid…
Anyone have the Amy Grant Christmas CDs?
Or the Percy Faith instrumental collection? Two
weekends ago my husband and I drove down to L.A. to celebrate an
early Christmas with his parents, since we moved out of state and
won’t make it down on the actual date.
Besides seeing them, it was so important for me to take a
drive around one of those special neighborhoods with all the
Christmas lights – so important that I made everyone who wanted
to see us join us for a caravan of light cruising!
We went to Torrance, a fantastic place to see lights, and
it was spectacular for sure, but now that I think about it, could
our limited time have been spent better in front of the fireplace
instead of behind the wheel? Because
I’m starting to second-guess my desire to continue childhood
Christmas traditions, I decided I’d better look into the
phenomenon that I know many others experience this time of year… What is it about Wham’s “Last Christmas” that makes me
sigh and remember those two week high school breaks?
Why do I make my mom bake sand cookies with colored
sprinkles every year? What
exactly is the spirit of Christmas for me? Digging
deep, I’m discovering that the spirit of Christmas for me is the
simply spirit of giving and togetherness between me and my family.
I love giving thoughtful things to my family.
I think it is a nice way to show my love and appreciation
for them. While the
shopping experience can get out of hand due to the commercialism
of the American holiday season, I’m still not fazed as long as I
remember why I do it. I’m
not a real religious person, but I am spiritual and have made this
season into something that fulfills my soul. So what
if certain songs like The Waitresses’ “Christmas Wrapping”
or Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas” bring me joy
year after year? And
who cares if I long to see the lights, or drink hot chocolate with
20 marshmallows more than usual with my mom’s sand cookies?
All of these things inspire me to give and to feel the
spirit of my own Christmas, which is my family’s love! I
don’t need to worry about why I do what I do at Christmas every
year. I’m hard on
myself thinking I’m holding onto silly childhood memories or
something. The truth
is, though, the feelings I get from hearing old songs or eating
the same foods or experiencing the same moments are wonderful
reminders of the love my family shares each year and every day. So
bring on the Neil Diamond Christmas album (is that an oxymoron?)!
Bring on the chex mix and the Swedish meatballs!
Bring on the lighted garland and “A Christmas Story”
movie marathon! Because
if that’s what inspires me to feel joy and giving this time of
year, I’ll take it! Whatever
your holiday memories or traditions are, I say hold on to as many
as you can – be proud of them and let them nurture your soul, as
long as they bring you joy! Words
Betray Me Well, I've finally gone and done it. I've tried to be incredibly honest about who I am and my struggles. And in my search for the truth, I guess it was inevitable that someone would get hurt. You've
all read my articles and my story and I don't think any of you, so
I'm told, have gotten the impression that I dislike my family.
For the most part, what people have told me is they see me as
being human and having the same kind of issues they have with
their own families. That's been something that has been comforting
to people. And one of the reasons why I've tried to be
forthcoming. So that all of you struggling with an eating
disorder can find peace in relating to someone else's story.
It may or may not be similar to your own situation but it strikes a
cord. It gives you comfort because you know you're
not alone. I've felt so alone with my eating disorder which is one
of the reasons I started the site. My
family is upset about some of the things I've written. And
I'm very sorry that I've hurt them. I've never said anything
with malice and I love my family very much. When you put
something out there and come from a place of absolute truth in
your feelings, your bound to hurt someone or piss somebody off.
That was never my intention with this website. What I've
tried to do is understand myself a little it better by opening the
doors to my experiences with the hope
that it would help others try to understand themselves. And
for me, writing about all of this is my way of letting it
go. One of
the reasons I've had such a hard time in deciding not go
home for Christmas is that Christmastime is my mom. She
always made Christmas so special. Yes things change over the years. We all grow
up in a family system that stresses us out at one time or
another. Then we have the stress of our own lives mixed
with the standard holiday stress and it's easy to miss the point
of what the holidays are all about.
But no matter how I express my angst over all these things, I still can't think of anyone I'd rather spend
Christmas wit then my mom. In fact this year I'm really thinking about
doing nothing, spending it on my own because to me that seems
easier then trying to recreate Christmas without my family. My very
good friend and ex-boyfriend, Jonathan's grandmother is on life
support and they don't expect her to make it through night.
He called me today to tell me about it. I was so sad to hear
this news. I really like his grandmother. And we
chatted about her and he spoke about what she means to him, how she's the ultimate Italian matriarch. Her life priority
is the family. And as Jonathan put it, she's lived a good,
clean life. She devoted every ounce of her energy to her
family. I have
this memory great childhood memory from the house on Payson Road. We
had this green Berber carpet on the steps going up to the second
floor. I remember that carpet so well. On Christmas morning we'd all wake up, early of
course, and wait at the top of the stairs (usually my brother and
I first) for everyone to assemble before going downstairs to see what
Santa brought. She
still reacts that way when we open the gifts. And I gotta
tell you, for me that's what Christmas is all about. Not the
gift but seeing my mom's face light up the way it does. She is
Christmas for me. She's the sparkle that can't be created
with presents. I'm gonna miss that sparkle this year.
It won't be the same. This Christmas, I'm reflecting on that.
Here's the fateful article in question. What's in a Need Post-Turkey
Syndrome For
weeks before Thanksgiving I spent a lot of time getting organized.
I made lists of the rooms I would clean each day.
I made more lists for shopping and cooking and preparing.
My husband and I dedicated our free time to getting our
home ready for our family guests, so we could provide them with a
great Thanksgiving weekend. So
we scrubbed and we vacuumed and we shopped and we crossed lots of
things off lists. The
month of November was a whirlwind. I barely remember
anything I did. It’s all blurred into one moment of
preparation. I took
a lot of time in between these days and hours to look into things
for our family to do on our days off together.
I printed coupons and directions and pictures of things we
could do around town. Everything
was kept tightly in my file folder which I carried with me daily. And
then I got sick. My
husband took an extra day off work so he could get the rest of the
lists completed. Now,
mind you, we’re not anal. I
repeat, we’re not anal! We
just wanted a nice clean home for our family to stay in and we
wanted things to be organized and fun.
And I’m a list person.
What can I say about that…
Being
sick truly kept me down for the count.
I was so disappointed in myself.
Yet still I was determined to keep our plans on track.
The family came and we went ice skating and watched the
mayor of our town light the city’s Christmas tree.
Things were off to a good start.
Again, cross it off! We’ve
accomplished another plan! Thanksgiving
Day comes and we all go for a long walk.
I’m still congested and now the virus is moving into my
lungs – a nice cough ensues.
But we have our homemade cinnamon rolls and juice and we
get the turkey in the oven. Thanksgiving
dinner goes well, but I’m exhausted from all the cooking and
being sick. I
didn’t get any rest that day, scurrying around, checking my
list, crossing thing and go straight to the food. Friday
I woke up more exhausted. The
men were going golfing so I had to figure out what to do with the
others. My sickness
clouded my original plans and I became frazzled and worried about
what to do. I threw a
load of laundry in and as I went to feed the dogs I threw my back
out! And with that,
out went the rest of the day!
My family separated and did their own things, like
shopping, and movies, and whatever.
I sat at home. Or
really, I lay in bed at home, upset that I wasn’t a good host. Saturday
all our family guests went home.
I walked back inside after waving my last wave and I got
sad looking at my empty house.
And the post-holiday syndrome begins.
After weeks of planning and running around, most of my
plans didn’t come to fruition.
I even planned out what I wanted to say during our moment
of thanks. I planned
on spending time with each family member.
And I sulked into a depression that lasted two days because
the plans I planned, didn’t happen.
Monday
when I woke up to go to work I realized I had just wasted two days
feeling sorry for myself instead of feeling grateful for the time
I spent with my family. I
realized that I had forgotten the meaning of Thanksgiving – to
be thankful! To be
grateful! And I also
realized that this time of year should also be a time of FORgiving
– forgiving ourselves for mistakes, forgiving loved ones for not
meeting our needs, forgiving people for just being human and most
crucially, forgiving OURSELVES for not living up to our own
expectations. We can
end the year with forgiveness and thanks so the New Year can start
fresh and we can feel healthy about what we’ve accomplished and
what we’re about to accomplish!
And with that thought, my post-holiday syndrome vanished.
Just like that! Two
days of sorry, one moment of clarity and I’m healthy again! What it
comes down to, what it usually comes down to, is that I just have
to let it go. Let go
of those lists and embrace spontaneity.
Let go of those restricted thoughts that keep me bound in
tradition and schedules. I need to open the doors so I can
open my mind to new possibilities. So things may not go as
planned, but that's okay. If you spend so much time worrying
about sticking to a plan you'll forget the whole purpose of the
day. So throw those
negative thoughts down the garbage disposal with the moldy green
bean casserole and mashed potatoes and gravy!
Yeah! Let’s
be grateful and thankful for the year we’ve had, and let’s
look forward to an amazing 2003. What's in a Need, That Which We
Call a...Wait, What's a Need? Okay, maybe this is a tad personalized,
but you get the point. The holidays can really SUCK. Especially if
you're going through a tough time in your life already. We're forced to
face the enemy head on in an all out war. That enemy may be ourselves,
depending on how philosophical you're feeling or it may simply be Aunt Mary.
Yeah, let's pin it on her for now. It's easier that way. Most of my life has been spent taking
care of everyone around me and their needs. I don't think I even consciously
knew that I had needs. I mean, I had desires and interests but I was never in
touch with what they were. Somewhere deep in my subconscious mind I felt them
but I was unable to verbalize them or put them on the table. It's all about the
guilt. So instead I would take care of everyone else then allow my needs to be
met unconsciously which usually meant something self-destructive, the most
predominant being the eating disorder. Anti-crastination I don’t have any answers when it comes to
procrastination. I
can always find a reason NOT to do something. I’ve been writing a book for 5 ½ years
now. Early on my
excuses for not moving forward with it were getting married,
finding a job, working full-time, etc.
So much time has gone by, and now my excuses seem to be
something like, ‘there’s too much to do around the house and
everywhere else, and once it’s done I’ll feel there’s
nothing else to be done so I can work on my book without guilt’.
What is that?!?! I have recently in my adulthood decided not
to make New Year’s Resolutions – which means anytime is a good
time to make a change, or to move forward.
So in my newfound dedication to really get a move on my
book, I ask myself, why am I sitting here writing this??! The plain and simple truth is, I need help!
I have to sit back and think about why I don’t move
forward with things (I do procrastinate greatly with many other
things in my life as well)…
I guess I’m severely afraid of failure, of exposing
myself to the world, of finishing something and not knowing what
to do with myself once it’s done.
I mean, if I really do finish, what would I do?
I’ve lived with the fact that I’m “writing a book”
for so long – what happens when I’m done?
Will someone please
tell me? Now, you see, the procrastinator in me would
say that I can’t move forward until someone tells me the answer
to that silly question. And
it is silly, because how could anyone know better than my own
self? And I
don’t know either. It’s
the unknown that creates the biggest fear in me.
I’m in my comfort zone when I’m discussing how close I
am to being done with my book.
(I mean, come on, how happy do you think I am writing this
article right now instead of moving forward with the unknown –
I’m empowered!) But here’s the deal, when I think about the
Big Picture – how many successful people were in their comfort
zones when they decided to set out after their goals?
I can’t imagine one person who said, ‘I love taking
risks and failing only to succeed, possibly embarrassing myself
along the way’; or, ‘I love getting rejected and having to
fight for, and work on, over and over again, the thing that makes
me the most happy in my life…’ And that is just it – what makes me the
most happy (my writing) makes me the most scared, because I want
the end result of my writing to make people
happy/satisfied/entertained as well. And if it doesn’t, that scares me!!! But I’m looking beyond the importance of my task, of my
hobby. Writing makes
me happy. If my book
doesn’t get published by Harper & Row or Pendant, oh well,
right? I
shouldn’t be writing this for anyone else.
(And Louise Hay would then say, never say shouldn’t
– say won’t. Or
put a ‘if I didn’t want to’ at the end of that sentence…) This article is crazy – what is my
point?!?! Only that
by procrastinating a little more at least I learned something
about myself, and maybe this relates to you in some way…
At least this time I focused on why I was procrastinating.
And this evening I have a date with my laptop.
I’ll let you know how that goes… Keep on starting!!! Revisiting
the Past – Not Reliving It I recently
returned from a two-week trip to Europe that I had been planning
with my husband for what seems to be the entire length of our
marriage. We always
said we’d go, we’d start to make plans, then something would
come up that would make us cancel.
This went on for 5 years until I finally just said, enough!
It’s now or never. I convinced my
husband of how important the experience would be for him.
I had lived in Germany and traveled all over Europe for six
months and it was absolutely the most influential experience of my
life – I learned so much about myself and it was the best thing
that could have happened to me – to be ripped away from your
home, your comfort zone, your friends and your family, is
something I’d recommend to anyone.
But I digress… We finally made
the plans, bought the tickets, and went!
After all the talking I had done about my stay there and
all the anticipation of going back, I was overwhelmed with anxiety
on the flight over. My
husband was nervous about flying – he hates flying, actually –
and so I felt the pressure to keep him sane for 11 hours.
And while I was avoiding him on the flight since I didn’t
know how to entertain him, I stared out the window of the plane
nervous of how the trip would go.
I wanted my husband to feel that same joy I felt when I was
discovering new worlds. I
wanted him to be excited about learning a new language and about
learning new cultures. I
ended up silently sobbing on the airplane, right before our first
meal, because my anxiety turned into the greatest fear that I
would disappoint my husband if it wasn’t all I had said it would
be. Somehow, I already knew it wouldn’t be… We first stayed
in Germany in the home of the family I lived with in 1995 – they
moved, so I wasn’t able to show my husband my old room or my old
path. We had a day to
go into Bonn and I immediately wanted to hunt for my old school
and my favorite pub and night club...
My school was gone. They
had moved and I didn’t remember which building they used to be
in once we got to the street.
My favorite pub had been shut down and was replaced by a
German wine bar. The
night club I visited every Thursday night changed its format and
went to techno (it used to be a live Jazz club).
I didn’t know how to handle this.
I felt lost in a city that at first sight had felt
immediately like home. And
my husband knew something was lost inside me. But I kept my
feelings inside, my feelings of great disappointment, because I
was still determined to make sure my husband had a great time and
felt grateful for going. Three
days into the trip, however, he told me he’d be planning our
next vacation – to a beach, maybe Hawaii, since it was still in
the States. But he
was right. He was expecting a glorious time of travel and it just
wasn’t going to be like that.
He was expecting everything I had told him to expect.
I mean, I had been talking about it for five years, how I
longed to return to my ‘second home.’
He had every right to feel a little let down.
And I was devastated.
Still, I kept hiding my fears. We took a train
ride to Amsterdam and stayed in a beautiful hotel overlooking the
canals and the Amstel River. Things were starting to look up.
We immediately visited a coffee shop where I had gone when
I was 20 – and we both felt terribly out of place.
I felt so uncomfortable I started to lose my breath.
I didn’t say a thing, because this place was the one
place my husband said we had to go to.
Turns out he was miserable there, too.
And we walked, no we ran, back to our hotel. And we had a long, long talk. We have grown
up. What I thought
would be the most amazing time was something I could only have had
when I was 20. That
was then. I see
things differently now – that’s inevitable – I’m a
different person. What
was the time of my life, where I was the kid in a candy store, was
just that it WAS. I
had to let it go. My
husband had. He told me he saw in me my disappointment and he told me I
hadn’t let him down. He
was so thrilled to be traveling somewhere new with me and that it
should be new to me, too. We
shouldn’t be trying to relive something that doesn’t fit with
who we are NOW. I was so
overwhelmed with relief (and the lump in my throat just reappeared
as I write this). And
maybe I am not making that much sense at all to you. But my point to sharing this story with you is this:
there are times in our lives that we cherish and wish to
relive. When we are
provided with the opportunity to revisit such moments, we have to
understand that they will never happen the same, since we are not
the same people. We
have different views, different opinions.
We are older, wiser, and more mature since it happened.
And we have to let it go so we can enjoy a new experience.
We have to let it go. Five days into my trip I was finally able to let that experience go – I held on to it for 7 years because I felt it was mandatory for me to live it again. Seven years! But I was finally able to let it go. And from then on my husband and I had a wonderful time together. We learned so much about each other on that trip, because we knew we were grown up.
How Do We
Remember Such a Painful Day? I don’t even really want to
talk about it. It’s obvious to me
that I never really dealt with what happened a year ago.
But it is everywhere – the reminder. The reminder that the
anniversary of the terrorist attacks which killed over 3,000 people is here. I’ve been trying to avoid
the reminder. I don’t want to
deal with the heartache again. Many
of the reminders I’ve seen on television or read about in the news seem
insincere. This makes me want to
avoid it all the more. Sure it
sounds like I'm being selfish but in reality I think about the victims and their
families all the time. It’s hard not to.
Reminders of them pop up randomly all the time, at the bookstore or at
the newsstand. I'm proud to be an American. I'm deeply proud of how America has fought to stand tall and keep moving in spite of the major problems she's faced this past year. I hold pride in my heart for the thousands of firemen, police men, volunteers, clergy, etc., who dropped everything to get to Ground Zero and save lives. I am so proud of the victims’ friends and families for keeping their memories alive and for setting such an amazing example of strength in the face of adversity. I can only imagine what kind of strength that has taken. While I am not proud of the media for sensationalizing much of these events, I’m choosing to leave those feelings behind and focus on positive ones. I have struggled with knowing what to do. My husband and I put a flag up at our home and on our cars immediately. People have made fun of that – of putting up the flags as our sole solution for what to do. We did what we could at the moment. We gave money to the funds and we prayed and stayed strong. We will do so again this year. The most important thing is to do something. And to embrace the memory not avoid it. Be kinder to your neighbors and let things go if only for this one day. Send out light and positive energy - as simplistic as that sounds, it's something. And it does help. We all get so caught up in negative energy. It's anniversary's like this that should remind us to look beyond our own little bubble and remember that we're part of a much bigger picture. It’s a bitter moment to have to remember that awful day. But I believe it’s necessary for our growth as a country and for our growth as individuals. We won’t be able to avoid it. We live in a country where information and news is in our faces 24-7. Let’s not get angry if someone chooses to remember this day in a way we would never even fathom. Put aside your ego for one day, and remember that the true meaning of this anniversary is so much more. It's the day we woke up as strangers and went to sleep as a family. Peace and God Bless.
September 2, 2002 This morning I attempted to have a heart to heart with my mom. I wanted to discuss my struggle with my self-esteem. She began the conversation saying she was going back on Weight Watchers because she wanted to lose a few pounds. My mom’s self image was always very important to her and she made that clear to me again this morning. I responded to her with my usual self-derogatory comment, “I need to lose some weight, too. I’ve spent almost my entire twenties overweight.” And her next comment to me? “Well, it must be all that beer you drink.” What? I was devastated. The beer? I couldn’t believe that’s what my mom thought. I was dumbfounded by her comment and I walked away and didn’t say much to her for the rest of the morning (we were visiting for the weekend and left shortly thereafter). I let that one comment ruin my day. When I discussed this incident with my husband, he said his typical, “f*$k it!” And while that’s not the most sensitive reaction, it got me to thinking. Was what my mom said really that bad? Not really. It was rude, but did it have to ruin my day? She made assumptions of my behavior but she doesn’t know me well enough to make that comment. This made me think.
Why do I allow comments that others make about me take away my
power? Comments are mostly untrue, opinionated and coming
from a place of their own dysfunction, not mine. So
why do I let these unsolicited words wound me so deeply? While listening to my mother today, something changed. I took notice of how I was reacting. I realized that my first reaction to such comments is always to believe what they say first without thinking about where it's coming from or the validity. After I realized my husband was right when he told me to just screw it, I came up with a thousand things to say to my mom. But why couldn't I come up with them at the time of the, "attack". Why am I so quick to believe the worst about me? My point of this little
story? I feel strongly that while we should be conscious of
those around us and respect each other enough to listen to their
opinions, we must not see our own reflection through the eyes of
others. Whether it be from their words or action, or lack of
action. We are the only ones who have the power
to feed our self-esteem. We do not need to be validated by
other people. If we place our self-esteem in the hands of
other people, we will always be disappointed. I gasped at my discovery today. I couldn’t believe I’ve allowed myself to be validated by others for so long. But it's a liberating feeling to finally let it go. So now when I hear comments like, “Eating for two, dear?” or “You haven’t completely lost your looks”, I’ll just say, F@&K IT!
On Safe Ground –
Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now? The world is still reeling from September 11. How could we not be? The world has changed drastically since then. As far as traveling goes, I can only imagine how most people feel, and that most people are staying close to home or are taking road trips this summer. It took a lot of convincing before my husband agreed to take a trip to Europe with me this September. He’s still hesitant to leave the continental U.S., and studies on the news have only proven his apprehension – sales on RVs and campers have gone up, while ticket sales for foreign air travel have gone down. And so much more… I have to admit that at first I had my own hesitation. I mean, it’s easier to stay home. I don’t have to worry about packing or flying or standing in lines or getting bumped from a flight or anything. I can sleep and read and be comfortable in my own surroundings. But that was my only hesitation – I didn’t want to leave my comfort zone. I’m confident to get on a plane and even more confident to find my way around foreign countries. I’m not afraid of strangers and I’m not too shy to try and speak in their language. While my husband is a very confident and strong person, he has trust issues and a fear of flying. So where do I begin, to make him feel at ease? What would I tell myself, to make me feel at ease in a situation like this? First, confidence is key. Be proud of yourself for getting to your destination, place by place. Be grateful for getting to the airport on time and for having the patience to go through airport screening. Be calm as you get on the plane and find your seat and be excited about the beverage service and the movies they’ll show. Walk tall as you exit the plane and the airport and go straight to your next destination, whether that be a taxi or a shuttle or the train station. Walk tall while you’re out touring around – keep your head out of the maps as much as possible and don’t be afraid to ask questions of the people around you. The greatest advice I was ever given was, while you’re in a non-English speaking country, learn how to ask “Do you speak English” in their language. If you want to ask something, ask first in their language that one simple question. You’ll be surprised how many people speak English across the world, and you’ll be even more surprised at how impressed people are with your respectful address. Get curious – be excited to learn! Get to know where your plane is going, exactly, and follow a map by time. Learn about the cities where you’re visiting and learn about the people and the cultures. Learn the basics of the language in the countries you are visiting. I promised to teach my husband German before our trip, so he can order a beer and a bratwurst with ease. Keep your eyes open for surprises around every corner. So much to see and do, there is beauty in everything new! And as I write these tips
I already feel better about going, and I hope that my husband will
feel better as our departure date nears. Seeing the world is an
amazing experience that everyone should take advantage of if they
get the chance. Go for it! I learned so much about myself by
traveling abroad. I learned humility in a world of different
people and cultures. I learned how to communicate without barely
speaking. I learned how to navigate and discover new places with
confidence. And I learned a whole new level of humanity. This, I
hope more than anything, is what my husband will get out of our
trip. A chance to learn and see a new world and gain a new
perspective on life – it would be invaluable for the both of us,
again and again. Special Series: Navigating through Shark Infested Markets Enron and Adelphia
and WorldCom – Oh My! What is going on with some of the nation’s biggest tech and communications companies? Seems like everyday we’re hearing about another big company going down for faulty accounting issues… We saw Enron collapse due to major financial fraud. Then recently cable giant Adelphia’s CEO, his two sons (former executives at Adelphia) along with other major players in the company were indicted for using billions of the company’s dollars as their own personal piggy banks. Just yesterday we heard that AOL Time Warner posted some of its own accounting mishaps! What in the world? And then there’s WorldCom… The nation's second largest telecom company said on June 25 that it hid $3.85 billion in expenses, allowing it to post net income of $1.38 billion in 2001, instead of a loss. The company fired its CFO Scott Sullivan and on June 28 began cutting 17,000 jobs, over 20 percent of its work force. CEO Bernie Ebbers resigned in April amid questions about millions of dollars in personal loans he received from the company to cover losses he incurred in buying its shares. Federal investigators are examining whether Ebbers, the colorful Canadian who built WorldCom into one of the world's biggest telecom providers through an aggressive string of acquisitions, had a hand in the accounting fraud. I recently researched their website, looking for their public relation attempts to dig themselves out of this hole they are so deeply in. Well, it seems they had a whole section dedicated to the cause, complete with a letter from the new CEO, John Sidgmore. The added photo would have been a nice touch, if his expression in said photo wasn’t one that looked as though he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. There are several press releases and official statements, as well as a summary of an online question/answer session with the CEO. The question/answer session could have been a wonderful public relations tool. It makes the CEO accessible, shows they care about the shareholders, and gives the impression of nothing to hide. That is until you actually read the summary. He evades questions better than the most weathered of politicians. I almost feel for him though, because given their current situation, you wonder how he could possibly tell the truth anyway. When asked about why only 3 people knew of a $4B loss, he maintains that it came as a complete shock to the board members. He has a very hard time answering questions, and the only thing that was possibly an aide to this, is that he was able to type answers, vs. being put on the hot seat live. Also, one wonders if it was actually he that scribed the online answers anyway. WorldCom saw the fall of Enron, and decided to beat the SEC to the punch, and announce the ‘accounting irregularities’ found by their internal auditors. The method is to be applauded, its just I don’t think it was as effective as they had hoped. With all of the recent ‘accounting irregularity’ scandals, it is irrelevant who discovered them. Frankly, I don’t believe for a second that the SEC wasn’t hot on the trail anyway. The CEO, mentions in nearly every written speech, or release that he is the new CEO of a couple of months, that they are committed to punishing the ‘wrongdoers’ (is this anything like evildoers?), and that the company is in good financial health. What he is missing is that most people find it hard to believe that none of the higher-ups knew anything about this. So instead of listening to what he says, I find myself asking if he thinks we are all complete idiots. Secondly, Sidgmore’s reiteration of his recent position makes it sound as though he is new to the company, and just cleaning up someone else’s mess, in fact he says, “I cannot change the past…” If you do not typically follow WorldCom, you may not know that he in fact has been with them for the last six years. He held the COO (Chief Operating Officer) position for 2 years, and has been a board member, and played a key role in acquisitions during that time. Immediately I felt lied to. Did Sidgmore lie? Well, no, not technically. Technically he has been the CEO for two months, but lies by omission are just as bad when caught, at least from a public relations standpoint. I don’t know that WorldCom will be able to pull its self out of the public relations hell it is in, to speak nothing of the financial hell. These ‘accounting irregularities’ wreck havoc on innocent shareholder’s who are trying to save money for their retirement. It is difficult to get the picture of the little old man-that had a safe retirement only two months ago, but is now worried about how he will pay his bills-out of my head. I recently was discussing a settlement I will receive and that I plan to invest a portion of it, and every single person at the table said (at once), “In What??” That is a sad statement on consumer confidence – a confidence only a public relations genius can rebuild. The Addicts Guide
to Financial Recovery I recently had one of the biggest breakthroughs of my recovery, and it had nothing to do with purging. It was of a financial sort. I have been in and out of debt since I was offered my first credit card at eighteen. Allow me to jump on my soapbox for a minute here. I think it is beyond reprehensible for these credit card companies to prey after young students, barely out of high school! At that young age, you really have no idea the damage you can do with a measly $1000 credit line. I remember my sister giving me The Talk—no, not that one, the Financial Talk. You know the one, be responsible, pay off the bill every month, don’t charge more than you can afford. And of course I knew that would never happen to me. But seriously, what’s the point of charging if you could pay for it with cash? In one year flat I charged up 3K in debt. I had to be bailed out by a family friend. By the next year I was another 3K in debt and had to join a credit-counseling firm to help clean up my mess. Even after all of that I didn’t really get the point. And by now I wasn’t able to get credit cards - that's one of the rules of the credit-counseling program. I really thought I had learned my lesson. Alas, I hadn’t. During this time I was a
live-in nanny. I had virtually no overhead costs yet still I
was constantly broke. When I finally moved out on my own, I was
always late with my bills. I had several tickets, that were
once only $75 but through sheer neglect ended up being hundreds of
dollars each. I also had old cell phone bills that went
unpaid. Doctor’s visits that weren’t covered by
insurance (probably because I didn’t send the insurance payment
on time) went from a simple $50 office visit, to $200 with
interest. And lets not even talk about the late fees on
every movie I ever rented. It was really an eye opener. I had already begun my recovery but the money lesson was a slow one to be learned. This is not an easy story for me to tell. I mean, who wants to admit that they have debt and don’t know how to manage it their money? But I gotta believe I am not the only one. So I'll continue with the hopes that my financial humbling may help some of you wise up before it's too late. In January of this year, I made some goals for myself. Not resolutions, let’s make no mistake about that, just goals. One of them was to get my financial situation under control. I made a list of every debt and every monthly expense I had. I got a second job and worked my butt off for nearly six months. I slowly paid off my debts, not all of them, but a lot of them. I also, mostly for lack of time, quit shopping and eating out. It started to feel better to pay off a debt than to buy something new. I started to make the connections between my ED and my debt. And in talking to other people who had addictions, whether they were Eds, drugs, alcohol, gambling, there were some common factors relating to debt. Many of the people I spoke with said they remembered using shopping as a means of coping in the recent months after they began recovery. They also said they found themselves not paying bills, or calling to make payment arrangements even when they had the money to pay them. The connection between shopping/purging---here is my theory. I think that any addiction, whether it is shopping/drugs/ED/gambling are all about the same things--not connecting with yourself. Not dealing with the issues you have. Not knowing how to change it for yourself. So instead you choose a vice and run with it. You numb yourself with the high of the drug, the win, the great find in the store that you just got half price. Forget that you still couldn't afford the $200 (or thousand) dollars you just spent for the dress of your dreams. Or that the money you used to win at blackjack was your rent money and now you are betting the win and will more than likely not leave until you have lost that too. But here's the thing. When you get in debt, or you are a drug addict trying to score, or the bulimic looking for your next binge you can obsess about that instead of the real issues in your life. You don't have to ask yourself the tough questions like, "What makes me feel good? What are my dreams? What changes can I make? Why do I feel sad/mad/glad?" And in the course of that you dig yourself deeper into the pit until it feels hopeless and you think there is no way to get out. But there is, there always is. Recently I was awarded a settlement. I thought it best to meet with a financial advisor prior to receiving the money. So my plan was to pay off the rest of my debt and my car and then invest the remaining money. Initially I was going to wait until I had gotten the money and paid everything off before making an appointment with a financial advisor. Honestly I was a little worried--because I am definitely a shopper--if you can't puke, right??!--Ok, ok, not funny. But I do think that in many ways my shopping was just another way of avoiding my issues. So along comes a lump sum and naturally I was scared that the lessons I have learned in the last six months would fly out the window. So one of the things I did was to tell my friend about my plan to pay off debt. Tthat way I would have a checkpoint if I decided to get crazy and buy the farm, you know? The financial advisor and I worked on a plan. We talked about how kids learn their relationship to money from their parents and that is certainly evident in my family. Not one person has even an ounceof sense when it comes to money. We all spend it as fast as we get it. The advisor told me that I need to make priorities and decide my commitment level to changing my relationship with money, Otherwise I will pass along the same skills to my children. Somebody's gotta break that cycle, right?! So I am feeling really good about where I am at right now with my decisions. I finally feel like I have worked hard to save myself and pay off my own debts. It was finally the lesson I needed to learn. I am a firm believer that you keep repeating the mistakes of your past, if you don't learn the intended lesson. Hopefully I will keep this one with me. But I gotta take the actions associated with the idea to make it work. I remember my friend Jen
telling me that worrying about money was a waste of time. I needed
to let go and have faith that it would work out. It didn't make
sense to me - was God going to swoop down and take my debt away?
Jen said that faith without action is dead. And I am finally
seeing the truth in that. I didn't just say I had faith and it
would take care of itself. I let go and allowed myself to be open
to doing the things I needed to do. Like work that second job,
like quit ignoring my bills (thinking they will go away), like
quit buying shit to fill a void, and figuring out what that void
is about. That probably helped more than anything else because it
left more money in my bank account and less baggage in my head. Diary of a Headhunter...or Sometimes I sit and my desk and wonder, “What the hell rock did these yahoos climb out from under?” Let's see...Tattoos, too much makeup, not enough clothes (cleavage anyone?), gum smacking, high-school education, pierced everything and on top of that, they want a starting salary of $40,000 a year - smack outta college, no experience or NADA! Yep, that’s the new Generation of employees. And I meet the best of them working as a Staffing Consultant - Headhunter to keep it real. That isn’t to say that everyone who walks through my door is job seeking challenged. We certainly have our fair share of professionals who come in to the office dressed to impress with their completed, edited resume and cover letter. There are people who are hard workers and know the proper interview techniques, such as no gum-smacking, turning the cell phone off, and actually looking at me when I ask a question. It’s just the one’s who don’t have a clue that are funnier (or pathetic depending on the way you look at things). For instance, let me tell ya about the one who… The Smelly Man—oh yeah, that is what we call him. This man had the worst breath I have ever smelled. Seriously, it pained me to talk to him because I had to breathe the same air. I know this sounds mean, but I gotta tell you, this was more than just having onions on your burger at lunch. Our lobby smelled of him, even after he left. Quite possibly it was gum disease or something that couldn’t be helped simply with mouthwash, but I can’t believe he didn’t realize it. A trip to the dentist is definitely in order! That was one of my quickest interviews. San Quentin Man—Yes, you heard me right! He had just been paroled that week. Well, this area gets touchy, because for bonding purposes, we always have to ask what the conviction was for. We are unable to hire anyone who has committed a dishonest crime (such as theft, fraud or embezzlement). No worries though, he wasn't a thief, he was a convicted murder! Now tell me how you keep a straight face with that one?! It’s such a fine line, legally speaking, about who you can hire or not—but come on, how can you get excited about someone just out of San Quentin. I certainly wouldn’t want to be the one to end his assignment. Brown-toothed girl—This girl had a lot of computer skills, very nice, perfect phone voice, decent experience, but when she had a dark brown front tooth. It wasn’t just a little tarter. The tooth was dead. I felt really bad for her because I couldn’t send her to a client that required someone professional. Not simply because of her tooth, but because her clothes weren’t professional either. This is where it becomes difficult to be politically correct. On the one hand I feel like it is my responsibility to be honest with them. And usually it is helpful but it’s a rough territory to get into when you start critiquing someone’s appearance. And the Winner is… Life Story Woman—actually, this could be a few different people I have interviewed. However, the one that stands out the most was a lady I interviewed about a year ago. She was a little older. She began by telling me her age (lawsuit anyone?) and proceeded to tell me all about her 30 years of marriage, including the sex, (I kid you not), I sat there dumbfounded as she told me about the sexual problems that occur as you get older. Good lord—is nothing sacred?! Perhaps I've missed my calling as--calling Dr. Leslie sex radio talk show host advice giver extraordinaire! At least, that's who she apparently thought I was. I could go on forever about the crazy interviews and associates I have experienced. Instead I will give you a few pointers next time you find yourself in need of a job. 1. First of all, a staffing service is not the welfare department. Do not bring your children, your spouse, or your cousin’s sister’s mom with you to the interview. 2. Staffing services are a great way to be introduced to major companies in your area. We work with the largest companies in the area, and most of them strictly hire from services, meaning you won’t get far just dropping off your resume at the company itself 3. That said, when you come into my office, be professional. You may not work under my direct supervision, but it is always my impression of you that determines whether I send you to a client. If you don’t impress me, you won’t get further than our front door. 4. Finally, turn your cell phone, and pager, off, don’t use slang when speaking, clean your nails and take out the facial piercing. It’s a tough market out there right
now. It’s important to put your best foot forward if you want to land that job
of your dreams (or the one that pays the bills while you pursue those dreams).
Even at McDonald’s they want to know what your 5 year plan is. Just use a
little common sense. Free To Be Me I took a lot of time this morning to reflect upon what it means to me to have freedom. I think this year more than ever in my life, celebrating Independence Day has significant meaning. Here is what I’ve come up with, and I hope you can relate, or at least begin to think about what your independence means to you:
I am blessed to be free and
to be living in America. I will be grateful for everything I have
and will even bless the taxes I pay due to the significance they
provide me in my life. When I see the American flag waving around
the country these days, and when I see those fireworks burst on
Thursday, I will know what it means to be alive in this world today
in the United States and I will stand proud in my freedom. Facing
Forward As time progresses and things change I realize how much I have to adjust my ‘self’ to survive. Sometimes the adjustments go unnoticeable, sometimes they are overwhelmingly apparent and difficult. There are times when I don’t want to change, where I just want to sleep until the changes pass and I can wake up having not been affected. That’s healthy, right? No way. We always have to face forward in life. Holding onto past habits and memories too strongly has proven us all to be hazardous to our health. And we’re always told to let go. And that has to be one of the most difficult things anyone of us can do. I recently moved to a new town in a new state and I don’t know anyone here. I have been unemployed for two months and my husband started his job up here a week after we moved in. Putting this all together, it basically means I’ve been alone in my new home in this new town for over 50 hours a week, for two months. This has not been easy. It was hard for me to know who I was up here. Was I the same girl I was back in L.A.? I couldn’t be, since I wasn’t there, and my life was completely different there. I’m not working, I don’t have a routine, I don’t know who to see or where to go to run errands. Everything is new. In the beginning, I tried holding onto past habits to keep me in the familiar, but I kept finding myself out of place and wasting time with that. I was afraid to go out and explore and meet new people. I was frightened to have to adjust to all these changes and was even more frightened to discover that there can still be a new me amidst such changes. While I wasn’t comfortable with myself completely when I was living in L.A., I had gotten used to that lifestyle. So back to my original point in facing forward… Every day I wake up and wander around my empty house. I could go back to sleep for a few more hours so I only had a few hours alone, but then my days would go by even quicker. Instead I’ve chosen to write more and go for walks and do chores and cook and paint and be the person I’ve always wanted to be in my mind. The moment I did this, things started looking up. On the opposite end of this spectrum, what do we do when we’re lost in the middle of chaos? What if we’re presented with so many changes at once and so little time to reflect that we completely forget about ourselves? We don’t have time to sleep, and our systems and schedules have become so automated that weeks go by before we realize what day it is. So are we supposed to turn around and face back, so we can reflect upon what just happened? I don’t think so… We have to keep facing forward in times of chaos. Looking back will only bring possible regret and make us even harder on ourselves for what might have been or what we should have done. Instead we face forward but we slow down. We can dedicate hours per week to keep our ‘selves’ moving forward. I know that as soon as I get a full time job my life will resume its craziness and I will not be able to do as much painting and cooking and everything else. I am dedicated to enjoying my time off from work and will continue to move forward with my self-construction. And when the time comes for me to do twenty things at once again, I will remember that I wrote this and remember that we can all face forward and breathe and hold on to each moment with gratefulness. Keeping healthy means finding thankfulness. I am constantly battling with myself and am terribly hard on myself for not being grateful for everything I have. That gives me headaches and backaches and is exhausting. Look around – don’t look back – what do you see? Where are you in life? It’s good enough. It’s probably better than you could have ever thought.
Reality
Freaks |
