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2001
December 14, 2000
The Battle of Gates Bridge
by Alexei Gerulaitis
As the dust
settles on the sidewalks of Dade County…amidst all the frustration I guess
most Americans feel, well, relieved.
While this very loud battle was raging another more reserved yet no less
powerful storm has been erupting over the DC skyline.
So, what would the most powerful government in the world be afraid of?
Here’s your choices for a million dollars, is it A) George W B) George
W C) George Senior or D) Someone/thing much more powerful.
Yes, it is in fact, D) Someone/thing much more powerful… The fight of
the century is not Gore vs. Bush vs. Florida Supreme Court vs. US Supreme Court
but the US Government vs. Microsoft. Much
Scarier! If I were the
government, I would be scared by now – imagine a seriously pissed off Bill
Gates on your back? Playing with
your girl/boyfriend’s intimate emails?
Yes, a number of Gates’ competitors are quite distraught to be driven out of
business, but it’s not all of them is it?
Quite a few people and organizations that are supposed to be bitter
enemies of the software Godzilla, actually came forward to defend Microsoft.
A consensus in the IT and software community is that Bill & Co. are
neither saints nor criminals.
So why did our government launch a large scale legal attack on the software
maker, dead on intent to eliminate it as it exists today?
Taking away the OS and browser market from innocent defenseless
IBM, Novell, Netscape and Apple?
Nine out of ten computer users in the world click on their mouse buttons and hit
on their keyboards because someone wrote the software.
No more innocent word processors and spreadsheets, we are talking about
primary often only means for communication and accessing information.
Let’s say it again: Communication.
Information access. Isn’t
that what 99% of civilians do? Buying,
selling, talking, creating, entertaining. All
that – through the interface designed by one company in 9 out of 10 cases.
That’s how many Windows machines are out there compared to Macs, Unix
and other computers – they say.
Transportation and communication and power delivery infrastructures were
historically state controlled in many nations - still are.
Governments can’t afford not to have control over key functions of the
country.
You and I are witnesses to gold, weapons, railroads, land, losing value and
power to imaginative wizards designing how we access computers and the window to
the world. The real power of
designing one’s window-to-the-world, one’s means to communicate, create,
deliver and consume buy and sell. Forget
railways, telephones and oil fields. This is nothing compared to the power that we call the
Internet Browser.
We know what happened to the railways , telephones and oil fields, thanks
largely to our government and nobody is really sure it was all that good for the
consumer. Anyone saw any conclusive
“before and after” slide shows to demonstrate that consumers largely won?
The
government is threatened. There is a colossal power in the hands of one company, one
man spreading well beyond anything history ever known. Not that it can actually happen.
All over the world eyes can be tuned to one broadcast, ears to one radio
station. No one ever had that much
power and our Justice Dept. is freaking out.
Aren’t consumers after all are the real intended beneficiaries in the
“monopoly power abuse” lawsuit of the century?
The purpose of the government is the same as that of the Elders Council in a
remote Madagascar village - keep the villagers reasonably covered, fed and protected
against the elements and other rogue villages.
The US government would sustain the average “citizens strike” to
pressure the average citizen’s right to a car, a house, daily latte and a
daily soap opera keeping him and her working hard so that the country remains
competitive and healthy. Albeit, an
honorable purpose. The government
has to exist and function for the good of the nation and the country.
And while at it, it can’t allow anyone to take too much control or it
may find itself facing an offer it can’t refuse.
Dear US Government, per our agreement, please
dissolve the Congress. Mr. Gates
will take over starting January 1. He
will be needing a couple of F-111 Stealth Bombers for his rendezvous with Mr.
Bin Laden. No need to brief you.
We’re in charge now.
Hey – scary but not impossible and quite exciting.
A solution? Break the giant.
Take away the power. Not that it did anything or will – think what it can do.
While it’s a pleasure seeing our undefeatable government so freaked
out, the question of the day remains, will the break-up do any good if it
happens?
Keep watching…there’s sure to be more toy soldiers for the boys in Congress
to amuse themselves with tomorrow.
index
December
5, 2000
And Why Was I
Reflecting Again?
by Kristen Herbert
I sit here with a goal. This is going to be the first year EVER that all of my
Christmas cards are sent out on time. Last year I actually had them all done but
never got around to putting stamps on them. Pretty sad, huh? I look through my
address book with a look of nostalgia and confusion on my face. Mike. What
a nice guy, maybe I should have called him back. Doug, also another nice guy,
maybe I shouldn't have tortured him ( I wonder how therapy is working out for
him). My address book serves as a gentle reminder of all of the significant, and
not so significant men that have been in my life over the years. I wonder, what
is proper etiquette when it comes to Ex-boyfriends
and Christmas?
I suppose that there are a few that would be happy to know what is going on in
my life and know that I am doing well. I imagine that there are more than a few
that would prefer to hear that I am miserable and my life has been horrible
since we broke up. Then there are those who I'm sure would rather not hear at
all. Should I tailor the cards according to the Ex? In certain cases I think it
would be a nice Christmas gift to tell them that my life has lost all meaning
since we ended our relationship and I sit alone in front of the shrine that I
have built to them every night and cry. I could be that nice, but I don't think
that I will.
Since I am one of those woman who always seems to have a boyfriend, my list of
Ex's seems to be getting absurdly long. I realize that I could separate them
into categories. They could be things such as "Meaningful",
"Good, but there just wasn't a spark", "Ok relationship,
basically passed the time" and "Big nightmare-remind me to have my
number changed." What is odd is that on the list there are only two or
three that actually meant something to me. I think that each one did serve a
purpose at the time. Each one filled some void that I was feeling. I hate to
admit it, but I am also one of those woman who can convince a man that he is my
world when I barely consider them a
friend. This is usually the result of trying to convince myself that I have
feelings for the person. This happens with the guys that look great on paper, so
there must be something wrong with me if I don't love them. I then make a futile
attempt at making myself feel something that is not there. Never works. Should I
just send cards to the gentlemen that really fell into the first two categories
and not the ones who just thought that's where they were?
Why is it that Christmas makes us think
of the past and of our mistakes? We look back a lot of the time with regret and
get a horrible case of the "If only's…" If only I had stayed
with him, then I would be married by now. If only I had stayed at that job, then
I would be a Vice President by now. Why can't we think, "This year is
ending and now I have a wonderful opportunity to start over in a brand new
year"! Instead we look back with Rose-colored glasses. We forget that we
were not in love with that man and knew that it was the best thing to end the
relationship. We forget that we hated that job and woke up every morning
dreading the day. I don't know what it is, but something about this time of year
makes so many people question their decisions. Decisions that we knew were the
right ones are now the reasons that we are alone and miserable.
I think back to past Christmas' and how I have spent them. I don't even want to
admit this, but if you promise not to tell anyone, I will. I have this horrible
habit of "Guilt gift-giving". It is a trait that usually only affects
men, but I seemed to have picked it up over the years. When I am buying gifts
for the current man in my life there is a direct relationship to how good of a
girlfriend I have been and the amount of money I spend on them. The
perfect example of this is four years ago. I had been dating someone for about
four months and had not been the most faithful of girlfriends. I looked back at
my past indiscretions and realized that I had to do something wonderful. To make
a long story short, even though Bill and I had only been dating for a few
months, he got a trip to the Bahamas that year. I'm still paying that trip
off.
I don't know about anyone else, but I think that I reflect back on lost
opportunities mostly when I realize that I will spending Christmas alone. In
August I am fine with not having a man in my life, why not in December? There is
that horrible pressure that is on in December. You start thinking about the fact
that you will sit at the "Adults table" with no mate. You wonder when
you will finally be able to enjoy these family occasions with your own family,
one that you created. Aside from Christmas, you have the nightmare of
finding a New Year's date. Would walls really crumble for you if you didn't have
someone to kiss at midnight? In our minds yes, in reality no. This is the
time of year for getting together with loved ones and celebrating, yet so many
people feel alone. I have a very large family. Christmas Eve I see at
least forty family members. How is it possible that if
I don't have a boyfriend I can feel alone with all of these nagging relatives
around? Despite the fact that I have such a wonderful family and a bunch of
friends that I celebrate the holidays with, if there isn't a man at my side I
will feel lonely and bitter.
The logical thing to do here would be to enjoy this special time with my loved
ones. Instead I also use that address book in early December as a sort of dating
service. I call up that guy that I found to be painfully dull. Three
months ago I would rather have had my eyebrows waxed than go on a date with him,
but now he doesn't look so bad. Before you know it, you are having dinner that
weekend and trying to convince yourself that maybe you were wrong a few months
back. I keep trying to remind myself of that saying about dating Ex's.
"Dating an Ex is like shopping at your own garage sale." At one point
you realize that you didn't want this particular item and want to get rid of
it. Why would you "purchase" it again? This makes no sense, but around
the Holidays you lose your ability to think rationally. Maybe it's the
Eggnog?
Well, I have decided to do something different this year. I am not going to send
those cards to the Ex's. When those negative, regretful thought pop into my head
I am going to get rid of them by eating a Candy Cane. This year I am going to
let go of my past and enjoy the holidays. I'm off to the mall with my list to do
my shopping. I think about my current boyfriend and try to decide what to get
for him. Since I know that Santa probably has naughty next to my name on his
list, I know that once again I have to do something great for my "Shmoopie".
I wonder if a car will suffice.
index
November
28, 2000
And My Creed Came Crashing
Down
by
Sarah Mason
I
had something truly brilliant to tell everyone. No really, I did.
Last night I had such a hard time with my muse. Probably because, I don't
have one. I wasn't particularly inspired by anything. But then
suddenly, I knew what I wanted to say. And it was dazzling, and
witty. I spent hours weaving the fine lines. And at about quarter to
four in the morning, I finished. But somehow, I must have pissed off the
Gods. My computer screen froze. I couldn't figure it out.
Not that I'm a computer guru but it didn't make any sense. No problem all
night. Then crash! I lost everything. No hard copy
saved. I had been writing live on the site which I'd never had a problem
with before. I would save as I went along. But I didn't this
time. I was duped into trusting my machine. What was I
thinking? Had I learned nothing from anything? Or was I just
tempting fate. I don't know. All I could think of was, what would my
therapist say???
I didn't know what to do. It was really gone. Normally in a
situation like this I would drop kick the laptop across the room and start
swearing like a truck driver. Or maybe I'd go to the gym (despite the
hour) and sweat out my fury on the stairmaster. Something, anything loud
to get my frustrations out. But all I could do was cry! And God
dammit, I'm not a crier!
So, I just sat there for awhile crying and eventually dragging Alex out
of bed to try to save my sorry ass. He fought valiantly but
lost. So my first instinct was to frantically try to piece together what I
had written. After all, it was brilliant! And of course the only
brilliant thing I would ever write. Then while scratching out
phrases on a left over cocktail napkin I stopped. And I sat back on my
couch and just stared into nothing. I knew I wasn't gonna piece this all
together. I glanced over at the Romany Spell Book a friend had given me as
a joke and seriously thought for a moment if I could conjure up the lost
words. But I didn't have the right mix of candles and
horseshoes. Then I realized something, no epiphany, just a thought, I can
write something else! Yeah, I am a writer, right? I mean, was I so
lacking in confidence about my talent that I believed I would never turn out
anything worthy again? Yeah, I guess in some ways I was.
What was the article about? I had been watching VH1 Behind the
Music tell the story of Scott Stapp lead singer of Creed, a rock band rooted in
spirituality that recently hit it big with their second Album, Human Clay.
Scott's father was deeply religious. He blamed the bible for the
restrictions he imposed on his children. He once banished Scott to his
room for a week for failing to brush his teeth the correct way. I tuned
into the program while channel surfing because a phrase caught my ear.
"We can't have any mavericks doing things their own way." That just pissed me off. Who the hell was this fool
saying that? And when I discovered the show was about Creed I was
instantly attracted because I love their music. If you close your eyes,
you'd swear Scott was the reincarnation of Jim Morrison. But with a higher
spiritual light streaming from his poetry.
So, I talked about the plight of the wayward Maverick and compared
Scott's journey to mine. Both of us suffered restrictions imposed on
our desire for creative expression. As
many of us do. It wasn't particularly
profound - what I had to say. I just liked it.
When I was in college, David Mamet came to speak at one of my screenwriting
classes. He was honestly a bit of an ass. Not very
encouraging. He speaks in abrupt sound bites like his dialogue and spoke
very dismissively at us. But he said something that I've never
forgotten. He said, if there's anything stopping you from being a writer,
let it.
I took that very seriously. And there's never been anything stopping me
so I don't know why it should now. Because the truth is, there's always
something to say. And say it well. The hardest thing to do as a
writer is to let go. You become protective of every word and phrase like
it's your newborn child. The real skill lies in the faith you have in
yourself. And the knowledge that there will always be another brilliantly
flowing aphorism.
I think we all struggle with this one. Especially those of us with an
eating disorder. We've lost our faith in ourselves. We hide behind
food and fear. The trick is learning how to take that leap of faith.
Not to be too attached to what we put out remembering we can always put out
more. In this cyber world we now live in, nothing is tangible,
really. And everything is expendable. I think my father less the
fool now with his old Smith Corona and pad of paper.
If I was feeling Freudian I guess I would have to cop to the fact that I brought
this on myself. And perhaps I wanted to lose the article. For what
reason, I don't know. Maybe for nothing else but to remind myself that I
am a writer. So sorry, Scott Stapp. But I think you're gonna have to
declare your Creed without me. Somehow, I don't think that's a problem.
index
November
17, 2000
Can
We Just Let Martin Sheen Do It For Christ's Sake! - Sarah Mason
Let's be honest, at this point, do we really want either one of these idiots
for President? He's got the suit and most of the country already
refers to him as Mr. President. Everyone likes
him, he looks much more presidential than either Gore or W. And it's all about the presentation. Hell Reagan won on that basis and
he's got nothing on Martin Sheen. It's about time we started filling the
White House with more actors. And at least this one actually has a
political conscience, and a brain. Plus, The West Wing beat out the Election
coverage in the Nielsen Ratings, so you see, clearly the will of the American
People has spoken!
I'm really sick of the whole thing. I'm gonna tune back in in
another week when the networks sync stories. Do you think
they'll let us squeeze in a few minutes watching the crisis in the Middle East
unfold? Nah, not crucial. We'd best stay focused on the
Supreme Court Judges. One of them is liable to get off their fat ass and
say something.
Here's a conversation between the two
candidates that may never end. It's amended daily due to the constant changes in events.
Will
the Bigger Idiot Please Report to the Presidency
by
Ed Bishop
The
beauty of living in a free society – not as free as we’d like to believe but
at least free enough so that we can say it’s not as free as we’d like to
believe without fear of imprisonment and physical torture – is that every once
in a while the system shakes itself up quite unexpectedly.
This extremely entertaining election fiasco that ushers in our new
millennium may very well counter the apathy and malaise wrought by the aftermath
of Watergate, proving beyond a doubt that every vote does count. Sometimes more
than once. It may not be the dose
of Ex Lax that cures the irregularities in our electoral system, but at least it
will bring them to light.
But
that’s got nothing to do with this article.
In
the wee hours of Nov 8, a phone call occurred between Al Gore and George W.
Bush. The exact content of that call has been kept private, but my cousin the
hacker managed to crack a Russian spy satellite and intercept some interesting
dope. The following is a transcript of that tape:
Script
written by Ed Bishop and Sarah Mason
INT.
- TENNESSEE GOREHOUSE – WAY LATE AT NIGHT
The
PHONE rings. Then again.
TIPPER
(bellowing)
AL!!!
Answer the !@#$% phone!!!
AL
It’s
probably a telemarketer.
TIPPER
Three
O’$^#@!Clock in the morning, it’s not a &^%$# Telemarketer!!!!
AL
But
I’m watching South Park.
TV
Timmy!!!
TIPPER
All
right, !@#$*%^! I’ll get it. Hello?
INT.
- TEXAS BUSH LICKING ROOM - SIMULTANEOUS
W
Heeeeey,
Tipperipperoonie! Dubya here. Is the big guy home?
TIPPER
(sneering)
Hold
on I’ll get the !@#@!
W
Excuse
me Tipper, did you just say an explacate word to me?
TIPPER
What? (muttering) You little
%^%*^*&^*&%. Hold on. (bellowing) Al!!! It’s that %$#*&^ Bush!
AL
Hillary?
TIPPER
No
you *&^*%% idiot, CAPITAL B! It’s W!
AL
!@$#!$%!
Al
takes the phone.
Hello
George, what can I do for you?
W
Well, Al I thought by now you’d be callin’ me to consent.
AL
You mean concede?
W
Yeah that’s what I said.
AL
Uh
well, George, don't forget, I, Al Gore, won the majority of the popular vote.
Even Saturday Night Live suggested that Al Gore, is the clear winner, of
the popular vote.
W
Well, Al, now, I hate to deflatuate your ego and all that but, hell, that
Electrical College thing is mine, and my father told me that if I beat you in
the Electrical College then I would be the President of the United States of
America. And I did. I won.
AL
Well George I beg to differ with you. We've yet to finish the manual
recount in Florida. And The Electoral College, which I helped to
develop, thus has not been settled. I think it would be best for us to hold off on any speeches
until justice has been served.
W
Al, we gotta settle this thing. I mean, the Supreme Court of Florida doesn't
have time for this shit. They need to get back to the business of Florida,
executions. Wait, hold on a minute there Al Mr. Chaney wants to say something.
DICK CHANEY picks up an
extension.
DICK
Hello Al, Dick here. Let's just see if we can clear this up. The American people need a President Al and we're all
just getting a bit tired of these antics. American tax dollars paying for
this nonsense down in Florida.
W
(snickering)
Heh heh… you said “dick”.
DICK
George, simmer down lad. Anyways –
W
Heh heh… your name is “dick.”
DICK
Right. Anyways, Al, what can we really need to clear this situation up quickly
and efficiently. My wife is anxious to start work on destroying the NEA and I've
got at least a a thousand social programs to nuke.
W
That's right, and me and my cabinet are gonna work as hard and as fast as we can
to make sure the American people don't have to worry about anybody else anymore
but themselves. If they
ain’t in a Texas Electric Chair, they ain’t my concern!
AL
snidely remarks.
AL
Dick,
W snickers
I think that the American people have the right to see the process of
justice played out. And clearly, I did receive the majority of the popular
vote. Plus, if I lose the Presidency, I'll have nothing to do but stay
home with Tipper all day and eat her jello molds while listening to gangster rap
and Marilyn Manson CDs.
DICK
Al, I think we all know how this thing is gonna play out son and it's not in
your favor. Now do the country a favor and move on.
W
I love Marilyn Manson!
DICK
Dammit George! Lucky for you your father saved my life in...uhh, ohhh, ahhh...
SOUND OF THUD AND PHONE DROPPING
LAURA picks up the receiver.
LAURA
George, are you on the line?
W
Where's Dick? Hee Hee.
LAURA
Oh, I think he just suffered a mild heart attack. Hang on. Let me just
roll him aside.
W
Well, what is it Laura?
LAURA
Well,
your mother just called me on the other line and she wants you to make a guest appearance
on the West Wing. Aaron Sorkin agreed to let you play a
White House Security Guard. You've got one line. It's not much but it will
give you a SAG card and you know you look so good in a uniform! I think it
might help dear. They are winning in the polls.
AL
Hello? George, can we get back to our conversation?
(matter-of-factly in his syrupy monotone Southern drawl)
Tipper's making some Jell-O for the Florida Supreme Court Justices. I should
really help her.
LAURA
Oh, hi Al, sorry! Carry on boys. And by the way Al, I'm sure you could
make an appearance as well, maybe you could be an intern.
W
Laura, can't you see we're trying to construct business?
LAURA
Oh, sorry, carry on boys!
SOUND OF RECEIVER HANGING UP
W
By
the way there Al, how is Tipper in the sack? She sounds hotter than a Texas
barbeque! Hee Hee Hee. (clears his throat) Now about your
confession speech…
AL
Well
George, if it were clear you won I’d concede in a heartbeat. And now
since the Florida judges ruled in my favor, well, George, it's anybody's game
now.
I mean
now that we can conduct a thorough manual recount who knows how many dimpled
votes the Gore camp will receive. Especially in Dade. Oops, hold on
a minute George, there's something coming on CNN.
INT. - TV SCREEN AT GORE HOUSE - CNN NEWS DESK
REPORTER
Miami-Dade County election officials said they called off the hand recount of
700,000 votes because none of the Dade county poll workers wanted to miss their
Thanksgiving Dinner for, "a couple of Turkeys". And so the
county will stick with its result from an earlier machine recount.
GORE
Damn!
W
What, whad'they say Al?
AL
Well, George, they said, that the election is still too close to call.
Al
crosses his fingers behind his back.
W
God Dammit! I can't take this anymore. And tomorrow's Thanksgiving! Now what am
I supposed to give thanks to now. Half the damn country are liberal
idiots. And I don't even care about the other half.
AL
Now
George, I think we all have a lot to give thanks about. This election is the
first of its kind in history. And we have the American people to thank George.
At least I do because I won the popular vote.
W
Oh shhhissh. I'm takin this thing to the Supreme Court of the United
States!
AL
What
about the dimpled ballots George? You haven't even mentioned them. The
Florida Supreme Court made a clear ruling on the dimpled ballots. There
could be hundreds of elderly voters that intended to vote for Al Gore but
couldn't get the pin in my slot.
W
Al, that's just disgusting. That, that is. If those elderly people
want to put their pin in somebody's slot, why don't they go look Bill up.
AL
Well,
George, it wouldn't be prudent for us to push
forward with any announcements. The decision of the Florida Supreme Court unanimously
ruled
in favor of the manual recounts.
W
(dropping the phone)
Aaaahhhhh!!!
AL
George, are you okay?
W
Sorry, usually when I hear
“wouldn’t be prudent” its followed by a backhand upside my ass. Those damn
judges, Jeb said he was taking care of them.
AL
What
did you say George?
W
(nervously)
Nothing, nothing.
AL
George, we're just gonna have to wait it out.
W
Wait!
I can't wait! I got victory parties happenin. I mean, Andy and Carl, they're
already printing out their new business cards. Believe me, Keg brew and
barbecue shrimp don’t keep for weeks.
What say we meet tomorrow noon in the lounge at Reagan Interactional Airport?
We’ll do tequila shots and arm wrestle for it.
AL
Arm wrestle for the presidency?!
W
What,
you chicken?!
AL
I
just prefer to let the wheels of democracy have their turn.
W
Like
THAT ever works.
There’s
a beep on the line.
AL
(to
W) Hang on, I’ve got another call.
SOUND
OF CLICK
Hello?
INT.
- LIEBERMAN SUKKOH
JOE
Al,
wazzaaaaaap?
AL
Oh,
hello Joe. Just a minute I'm talking to George W.
JOE
W???
That little weasel. Listen, I got a call from my nephew in the Mossad. There's
definitely something fishy in Dade County and it ain't Gefilta. Did
you here the latest reports that they're not redoing the count?
AL
What
are you saying Joe? You have factual proof that the ballots were tampered
with? Is it a cover up?
JOE
Is
Mr. Peanut a legume? We should just keep filing law suit after law suit till the
gentiles give up - they will, trust me.
AL
Well
Joe, we already got the Florida Supreme Court involved. I think we should let
justice find it's way. And I'm getting a lot of pressure by the Democrats
to concede if this latest count doesn't prove to be in my favor.
JOE
Concede!
Are you kidding. Forget that. I’ve
got seventeen cousins who are lawyers, plus my cousin Murray who passed the bar
but became a MIME. And Al, any more oranges and you'll be able to squeeze juice
out of my fingers.
AL
Look
Joe, I’ve got W on the line so we’ll talk about this later.
JOE
All
right, but don’t let me say I told you so.
CLICK
Al
hears distant voices from the phone. It's W and his brother JEB.
INT. BUSH LIVING ROOM
Jeb has W in a headlock and is administering nuggies.
W
Ow!
Ow! Oooowwwwww!!!!!
JEB
Say
it!
W
No. Ow!!!
AL
George!
You there?!
W
(back
on the phone)
Oh,
yeah. Me and Jeb were just discussing some family issues.
AL
Look,
I’ve got to go. Tipper’s bringing out the Jell-O, and I don’t think she’s planning on putting it in a bowl. I’ll call you in
the morning if anything changes.
W
OK,
be that way ya big Wus!
W
slams the phone down.
AL
Mmmm, what flavor you have there Tip?
TIPPER
%^%#!! Cherry. But first let me hear your acceptance speech again.
AL
Aw
come on, I’ve been over it 32.7 million times.
TIPPER
I
have whipped cream.
AL
OK,
here goes…You hate me less than him. You REALLY hate me less than him!
Meanwhile
back in Texas, Jeb has W in a headlock.
SOUND
OF PUNCHES BEING THROWN
JEB
Say
“Jeb should be President first”.
W
No.
Oowwww!! OK! Jeb should be President first. Now let go!
JEB
All
right, just so we’re straight.
W
You said you'd make sure those judges voted against the manual recount!
JEB
How was I supposed to know that judge was a man?
Jeb throws his arms up and leaves the room.
W
And gimmee back my pie!
Laura
enters.
LAURA
George, there's been reports on CNN, you best take a look.
W
and LAURA tune into the TV SCREEN
CNN NEWS DESK
REPORTER
This breaking news just in, Martin Sheen has been confirmed the 43rd President
of the United States. The Supreme Court of the United States has
unanimously decided in favor of Mr. Sheen citing intent from the American
people. Sheen's weekly series The West Wing soared to number one in
the ratings receiving more actual viewers than voters for either Al Gore or
George W. Bush.
There is no word from Sheen yet on whether he will continue the series while in
office. But sources close to West Wing Producer Aaron Sorkin say
there is talk of a merger between the show and the White House. Sorkin was
quoted to say, "We could put a substantial dent in the deficit as the show
is much more cost effective and reaches larger numbers of Americans."
W
Laura,
call my mother back and tell her to tell Sorkin I'll do it!
end
scene
*DISCLAIMERS:
1)
Parts of this conversation may have been adapted for dramatic effect or
made up entirely.
2)
Certain grammatarical errors concurrent in this transcript are
intentional and should be conscrewed as such. Thank you.
index
November 9, 2000
Florida or Bust
by Sarah Mason
I'm a registered voter. Every election I try to do my best to take the
time to read the booklets they hand out describing in detail the initiatives
proposed by the state. I watch Meet the Press, listen to NPR,
read the newspaper. And I've always thought that I was in the minority
with these rituals. Well, at least in Los Angeles. And in fact, I probably
am. But somehow the last couple days has given the country a political
conscience and awareness the likes we've rarely seen.
Would you have ever believed that the fate of the country lay in the hands of a
state that's governed by Mickey Mouse, has the largest number of inmates put to
death, a population largely made up of retirees and is the number one pick of
thousands of college students to embark on a week of beer and wet t-shirt
contests?
Shame on you Jeb! What are you doing to your brother? Weren't you
supposed to hand Florida over on a silver platter?
The Bush Brothers remind me of the Miser Brothers - aka Heat Miser and
Snow Miser. If you remember the Christmas special, The Year Without a Santa
Claus. One brother, Snow Miser presided over the North Pole and he was
mean and scary and froze people when they tried to pass by or spread a little
sunshine. And the other brother, Heat Miser ruled the South Pole and made
sure that it was green and sunny everywhere and zapped people with balls of heat
when they tried to spread a little snow (guess the producers didn't watch too
much National Geographic). But sooner or later they piss everyone off so
much that their mother, Mother Nature, has to step in.
Well, they both may rule Sunny states and Barbara Bush ain't no Mother Nature
but nevertheless, it's a frightening similarity. They both rose to fame on
their families coat tails and dance around screaming ineptitudes and zapping
people smaller than them. And one of those little characters may just be
the next President of the United States.
Frankly, I'm not surprised by the quirks in the Florida voting procedures.
In fact, I think this is probably standard fair. If it weren't for the
closeness in the vote nationwide, we'd never have known! It's probably
happened every election. Inefficiency doesn't just rise up on the eve of
an election. It's birthed and nurtured. It festers for years before
arriving at its place of bureaucratic mildew.
What I don't understand is the bewilderment of the two parties. They're
shaking their heads, crying out, The will of the people is not being adhered
to! And saying things like, the country is telling us that they want
less government, they're something wrong here! It's injustice! Let
the people speak!
First of all, 50% of the population of this country voted in this
election. That's hardly the will of the people. And what will? That
50% is divided essentially right down the middle. And its not because we
want less government, its because we want a different government.
The two candidates spent $3 billion a piece to reach only a quarter of the
population each. Yes, something is wrong here, we don't like either one of
them!
Why were no third party candidates included in the debates? Yes, I know
what the statutes say - must have a certain ridiculous percentage of voter
support as determined by idiots. But you can't deny
the message that's being asserted by this historic election. And not just
now. It's been brewing. In 1992 Ross Perot got 33% of the
vote. That's certainly nothing to sneeze at even if you do want to sneeze directly in
his face.
I have to ask myself what's wrong with this picture
when I'm listening to Jesse Ventura and thinking to myself, wow, he makes
sense. On a recent Larry King Live the illustrious Governor of
Minnesota affirmed that the reason the third parties have no chance is because
of the lack of campaign reform. If $3 billion dollars is the price of
attention of 25% of the American people, then how can any real viable
challengers step forward? Ventura's explanation for the lack of effort to
bring about real campaign reform is because the Democrats and the Republicans
don't want a third party. They want to keep it as it is. Just the
two of them. And you know what? He's right. That's exactly the
truth.
Of course the old fart Republicans and the old fart Democrats argue this point
saying that the reason there's no infusion of a third party is because
government works the way it is. Yeah it works. It works for
them. They're living in a big white house in DC and in their respective
states chugging martini's and caviar while we slugs work 10 hour days just to
pay our taxes. Okay, okay. But you get the point.
Even Mario Cuomo, who I've always secretly wished would run for President,
agreed with Ventura's statements. Okay, see how scary this picture really
is?
You gotta hand it to Ralph Nader for what he's accomplished regardless of what
you think of him or the platform of the Green party. And hell, Pat
Buchanan, at least stays the course and sticks to his message however to the
right of Attila the Hun it may be.
I think the American people do want a change but are given no real opportunity to
execute it. And right now we're all caught up in a whirlwind of
constitutional ego.
If it weren't for the great state of Florida we'd all be back at our jobs,
searching the web for Christmas gifts and planning our Turkey dinners.
Some would care. But not many. It would all blow over in a matter of
days. For the reality is, half the country, (or should I say, a quarter)
of the country voted for the lesser of their evil, and the other half for the
lesser of theirs.
What incredible power has been bestowed upon Florida as a result of
incompetence. That my friends, is the story of America today.
So here's a song going out to our good friends
in the Sunshine state who've made it all possible for us to tune out our every
day lives and tune into the governing of our country. And since we're
rounding Thanksgiving time, we'll sing it to the tune of Arlo Guthrie's
Alice's Restaurant.
You can get anything you want in the great
state of Florida - septa President
You can get anything you want, in the great state of Florida
Come on down we'll make the sunshine
Can't count your ballot cause we're sippin moonshine
But you can get anything you want, in the great state of Florida
That's all folks! I'm on my way to Palm Beach with a big bag of Turkeys.
index
October 30, 2000
The
Aftermath of a Broken Apple
by Kristen Herbert
I
was right. The train ride home from Shea Stadium last Thursday night was
brutal. I had just watched the Yankees win their third straight World
Series and was not in the positive mood that I had been in earlier that day.
I wasn't so happy with my father, who was wearing his Yankee hat, but the look
of irritation on my face was also the result of the thousands and
thousands
of Yankee fans that were chanting. My father wasn't as bad as I expected,
but he wasn't exactly a prince either. He agreed with me during the game
that we might not be speaking on the way home. He said on the train ride
home that eventually I will wake up and support a "real" team-the
Yankees. I think that is very doubtful.
During the game I sat there on the edge of my seat and cheered for the Mets.
I listened to all of the things being yelled around me and did laugh frequently.
Well, at least through the eighth inning. My father acted like a little
kid when the Yankees scored, as did many of the people around me. I admit
it, I was the same way with the Mets. I acted like a five-year-old when
Agbayani hit that ball down the third base line and Payton scored. I sat
there through the game with my fingers crossed and right until the end thought
the Mets could do it.
I woke up on Friday dreading the day. I went into work and was not looking
forward to checking my email and seeing the nasty notes from all my friends that
are Yankee fans. In some situations I was pleasantly surprised. Many
people offered their condolences on my team's loss. It wasn't talked about
the way that I had thought it would be. I do have one friend who was
actually cruel enough to email me a picture of what game 6 would have been
like.
t was a picture of Mike Piazza with a broken bat through his head. Thank
you Lauren, that made me feel horrible. A lot of what I got from other
people was "Well, what did you expect?" It's not even worth
arguing about, is it? It doesn't matter that the Yankees only won the
series by a total of 5 runs. As my boyfriend said a few weeks back
"A win is a win." I'm not sure what he is saying now since we
aren't speaking.
The weekend was no better. I went out to a Halloween party in Manhattan on
Saturday night and had to listen to the newest version of "Who let
the Dogs out?". It has now transitioned into "Who shut the Mets
up?" I listened to those Yankee fans singing and laughing and felt
horrible. If I hear that song one more time, I am going to scream.
It made me think and wonder to myself "Why am I a Mets fan? It's so
hard…" Well, I guess I like to do things the hard way. It's not
easy to be a Mets fan right now, but I still think that eventually it will be
worth it.
I received many responses to my question of why it is that some men think a
woman is smarter if she can talk about sports. Oh, do feel free to email
me should you want an explanation on what the in-field fly rule is.
Anyway-many women agreed with me about how men see you differently if you have a
knowledge of sports. It was also brought to my attention that there is
another way that many men will look at a woman if she is a big sports fan.
It basically comes down to one of two things. The first is that they will
see you as more intelligent. I still question this one.
The second opinion that a man will have is one that I have always known, and
still think is absurd. Certain men will see you as being less feminine if
you are a sports fan. Can someone please explain this to me? How can
a man's opinion of you be changed so much because you enjoy the same thing that
they do? Just because a woman enjoys the excitement of a sporting event,
how does that make her less lady like? I still have my nails manicured
when I am at a
game.
I am still wearing the pearls, they are just hidden under my jersey. I
think that I am pretty feminine yet for some reason once I brush my hair back
and put on a baseball hat, I am not seen the same way. The guy that
referred to me as a "high-maintenance chick" earlier in the day (I
hate to admit it, but I have been called that on more than one occasion) will
now
see
me differently. I have always heard guys say things about how it is a
turn-off when a woman is too into sports? Why? I think that a man
should be happy if his significant other enjoys the same sport that he does and
be grateful she doesn't want you to turn off the game. Not all men are as
lucky, count your blessings.
Today was pretty bad for me with the parade going on for the Yankees in New York
City. "The Parade of Champions". All I heard about the entire
day was the Yankees…so depressing. I was watching the news before and the
parade was the top story. They were showing the thousands of children who
avoided school today so that they could attend the parade. Each and every
one of them was screaming with pride for their Yankees.
I am finally starting to get over last week's events. The tears have dried and
my Piazza jersey is folded at the top of my closet. It will stay there
until opening day next season when once I again I will "believe" in
the Mets. Now if I can only get this Mets logo off of my arm, I'll be ok.
index
October 26, 2000
How to Divide a City with a
Subway, Series
by Kristen Herbert
My boyfriend and I are not
speaking. I can’t remember the last time there was this much tension in
our relationship. The sound of his voice right now can make my skin crawl.
No, we’re not fighting about an ex-boyfriend or an ex-girlfriend. We’re
not fighting about lying to each other. This is much, much
worse. This is much, much more personal. He’s a Yankee fan and I
am a Mets fan.
Come to think of it, most people I know are fighting with someone about the same
thing. Instead of people talking about the upcoming presidential
elections, most people are fighting about whether or not Roger Clemens should
have been ejected for throwing the broken bat in Mike Piazza’s
direction. It is amazing what is going on here right now. You may be
wondering how all of this excitement and tension is over a sporting event.
What people outside of this area may not realize is that this is about much more
than just a sporting event. I don’t care what anyone says, you can not be a
“New York” fan. You can’t be happy for both teams. This Subway
Series is about having pride in your team and continuing to believe, even when
all seems lost. This series is about things being settled for once and for
all. For New Yorkers, this series is about bragging rights.
Prior to this series there was all of this talk about how this series will cause
wars in families. Fathers and sons will be cruel and insulting to each
other. However, there is half of the population that is not being
considered with all this talk of the Subway Series. What about mothers and
daughters? There are just as
many women at these games cheering just as loud. There are just as many
women that sit up every night with their fingers crossed, not able to take their
eyes from the screen.
I actually got into an hour long fight with a Yankee fan on Tuesday night.
Somehow I got him to see my point of view after being able to spit out all of
the useless baseball knowledge that I have. One thing that I realized during
this pointless conversation was that men seem to think a woman is more
intelligent if she knows about sports and can have a decent conversation about a
game. I can’t really understand this. I certainly don’t think a man is more intelligent if he knows a lot about sports. Ladies, do
you? Why is it that it doesn’t matter what else I know that will shape a
man’s opinion of me? Why is it that if I can tell you who was in the ’83
world series a man will think I am a genius? Hmmmm…makes you wonder…
What else surprised me is that many men can’t believe it when a woman they
consider to be attractive can explain the infield fly rule. What is that
about? Baseball is a game that almost anyone can enjoy, and that is the
great thing about it. Ask anyone in your office if they know what the
score of last night’s game was and 90% of people will get it right this week. Ask them what went on in the Middle East this week and the
percentage would be much less. Well, at least in NY. I’m pretty
sure there isn’t as much craziness anywhere else. We’ve all heard that
famous line from A League of Their Own, “There’s no crying in baseball”. Well, I disagree. At the end of this week, one team and
half of the City New York will be crying.
I am going to the game tonight and the Mets are down in the series 3-1. I am
going with my dad who is a HUGE Yankee fan. I have a massive fear of seeing the
Yanks win the World Series at Shea this evening, but I still believe in my team
and will continue to. Tonight I will put on my Piazza jersey with pride
and root for my team. I will get into screaming brawls with the Yankee fans around me and they will be surprised that such words can come out of such a
small girl. Regardless of the outcome of this series, this has been such an
amazing week full of emotions, pride and ulcers for baseball fans and
New York in general. I wonder if my father and I will be speaking to each other
on the way home. I have a funny feeling that we won’t be.
index
October 12, 2000
Dear
Dell…(on the subject of PC outrage)
By Nina Smith Lindqvist
It
has come to me recently that there is a term lacking in the English vocabulary
or at least my personal knowledge of it, or if it does exist – it has not
reached my English-speaking ears (not that my ears are equipped with tongues) in
this foreign speaking land of which I am an inhabitant. Perhaps the word exists
in many tongues in many countries, this just not happening to be one of them.
The
word I seek is something to justify the feeling of outrage one experiences at
lost words, sentences, poems and dreams. Fleeting trains of thought desperately
pounded out on a keyboard faster than the fingertip-brain connection can dizzily
keep up with that once put down “on screen” ever so brilliantly can simply
be completely erased, yes, eradicated with the simple unthinking push of a
button. This action causing a devastating reaction of flushing small exquisite
pieces of prose or tiny facets of the soul hardly long or large enough to even
catch the attention of the most avid reader of cyber-clutter, but that are as
life and breath itself to their author, determinedly trying to put a permanent
indelible mark in this un-permanent ever fluctuating liquid-crystal 2-D world
that one HAS in fact existed on this planet – yes, flushing it all out into
the massive cyber-abyss of other words and images long lost.
And
there you are, alone – spent - brain-drained, staring at the empty screen that
moments ago you were absolutely loving, was your best friend, holding the most
brilliant thought you’ve ever had. And the horrifying creeping-up-on-you
realization that everything you’ve just written is completely…gone.
Shock,
disbelief…denial - a desperate quick search, switching from window to window
ensues although you know all the while that no window will ever hold this
perfectly formulated thought again. Gone…
You
let out the breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding in one long
shoulder-sinking sigh.
And
THERE it is – that all pervasive slam-the-keyboard hatred that hits you right
in the gut. PC-Outrage. Where is the perfect word to justify this feeling, and
why has it not become a part of society’s everyday vocabulary? I am 100%
certain that my co-inhabitants in this cyber world also experience this outrage
at least on a weekly basis if not at times daily (for those of us unlucky enough
to be enslaved under the tyranny of a particularly lousy server with even worse
administrators). Who can blame them though – they have their own battles to
wager out on the frontlines of the ever-ongoing cyber wars. And there they find
themselves day after day on yet another battlefield, or within yet another
labyrinth, just as lost as we are.
One
lousy button. Oh, there are others that are just as damaging, since you seldom
travel alone. I see you around all the time with your buddies CONT and ALT, in
secure packs of two’s or three’s. And Enter is your equal, if not stronger.
But it all began with you.
One
lousy button. Dear DELL, you make my life a hell…
index
October
2, 2000
Turbulent
Waters
by Janet Campbell
I’m
a good person. I think.
Most of the time. Some of
the time? Okay, so I try like hell
to be a caring and altruistic human being.
I’m a vegetarian, on a personal mission to save the life of each and
every helpless creature upon this earth. I
volunteer. Okay, so maybe I don’t
get around to it nearly enough, but I remember how good it felt to bang nails
with Habitat for Humanity months and months…and months ago.
I vow at this moment to give them a call real soon! I
adopted a couple of three-year-old cats in lieu of the seductive frolicking of
the cute kittens in the next cage. Most
importantly, I endeavor to show my family and friends how much I respect and
love and need them every day.
Where
I am certainly no Mother Theresa, my heart and soul do give it a shot.
But I am as guilty as the next person for so often becoming ensnared in
the net of my own boat as it sails across this vast sea of life.
Sure, I see all of you on those other boats; I wave at you with a big
smile and a wave as I glide past. Sometimes
I even take a leap into the murky water and swim on over to climb aboard someone
else’s vessel. It may be the
recluse of a writer in me, but soon I am surpassing even Ian Thorpe in my quest
to return to the solitude of my own ship. To
once again become embroiled in the piloting of my own boat.
Could
this be how I completely missed the fact that one of my girlfriends was bobbing
in the turbulence of her own rough seas, waging fierce battles against bulimia,
fear, and the enticement of suicide? A
woman I knew and cared for deeply had endured an inordinate amount of pain, and
I hadn’t had a clue.
Sarah
e-mailed news of this project of hers, a website dedicated to helping people
suffering from eating disorders. Good for her, I thought.
That girl is so talented, always occupied with some exciting, new
undertaking. I wonder how she got
involved in that, I considered briefly.
And then I went about my own life. It
was another couple of weeks before I actually had the time to really read Payson
Road.
And
read it I did. Every word.
Every story. And I was
floored. I was also sitting at my
desk at work. Co-workers puzzled at
my silence, my sudden preoccupation with my computer, but mostly at my tears.
I couldn’t think of a word to explain the turmoil raging through my
heart and soul so I just kept my mouth shut.
They wisely left me alone.
Needless
to say, my reaction was pretty jumbled up.
First in foremost, I was in awe of Sarah’s bravery in telling her
story. I’ve always revered Sarah
for her diversity of talent and praised her for following her dreams across the
country, far away from family and friends.
But here she was divulging her secrets on a global medium in an attempt
to reach out and help others.
I
was also sad. Sad for her pain. I’m really quite ignorant about eating disorders.
Sure, I stuck my finger down my throat a time or two in college.
It just didn’t take. I’ll
never know quite why, but I’ll always be infinitely thankful for whatever
power intervened on my behalf.
I
felt sad for another, maybe more selfish, reason.
How had I missed this? In
this age of technology, where we work and live and shop with the click of a
mouse, are we so oblivious to those around us?
Have we forgotten how to just be
with one another? How to listen? Do we exist so deeply in our own private oceans?
In truth, I was feeling my own guilt for not being accessible to a
friend.
My
easiest cop-out was that Sarah and I had never had the time to fashion a certain
depth in our friendship. Our ships
first passed when we worked together, and our friendship grew for a brief time
before she moved away. That was it, I told myself! We
just weren’t close enough for her to trust me.
But there was no relief in this. I
knew in my heart that she had brilliantly managed to keep this secret from even
the closest of her acquaintances. I
knew this because I happen to possess my own demons, and I still keep them
locked up safely in my very own cargo hold (but that’s an entirely different
website).
I
found myself wondering about her family, her boyfriends and her best friends. Was I off the hook here?
Surely there had been someone to whom she had been able to talk.
Hadn’t she? Sharing is a
truly personal decision, but everyone should have at least one trusted confidant
with whom to unburden the weight of anguished secrets.
But what if fear or pride or embarrassment had stopped her from borrowing
the ear of those closest to her heart? Were
they to blame for missing the signs or symptoms of her illness?
And I immediately knew the answer. Absolutely
not!
I’m
no authority on eating disorders; in fact, I know only what I’ve read on
Payson Road. But I have a lay
person’s message I’d like to share.
To
those suffering with the secrets and anguish of this or any disorder…
It might not be readily apparent, but love does exist on this vast ocean.
Even if it is beyond a distant horizon.
Seek it out and wrap your arms tightly around it.
Find just one person to unburden yourself to, to trust enough to ask for
help. We want to help. We just may not know how.
Teach us and together we will seek out the compass that will guide us
through this oftentimes-lonely world.
To
those like me, with a loved one who suffers…If you’re a parent, a sibling,
or a best friend who feels guilty because you didn’t see or couldn’t help,
just ask yourself one question. Did I love with an open heart and mind? In this day of e-mails and cell phones and cold, hard
technology, it is easy to become entrenched in our own lives and thoughts,
forgetting what real human contact and communication is all about.
We all try to be good people,
but there are limitations.
All
I can really do is love the people around me.
I will keep an ear to their heart so they know I will listen.
I will hold their hand so they know I will sit beside them in their pain.
I will keep reading this website and other literature, learning and
trying to understand.
Most
importantly, I will make sure to swim away from my own boat on occasion to share
in the turbulence of someone else’s journey.
index</ | 
